Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman, Frenchman, German, Dutchman, Belgian, Spaniard, Norwegian, Swede, Dane, Israeli, Nigerian, Australian, Kiwi, Japanese, Russian, Brazilian, Uruguayan and an American were all wanting to go into a restaurant but the Maitre De said "I can't ley you in because you don't have a Thai!"
 
effin raincoat down here Dave. Hang on the suns out . . . no hang on its raining . . . no its definitely raining.
 
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
 
Who is the most unpopular person on the terraces at Borussia Monchengladbach?

The guy who stands up and shouts, “Give us a B!”
 
Jeremy Beadle was rumoured to have a large penis.

On the one hand he did, on the other hand he didn’t
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance!
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out
of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: I didn't bloody recognize you, that's why.

ILD OTBC
 
I am reliably informed this is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

ILD OTBC
 
A man was in court charged with murder, the clerk was reading out the charges,
The accused is charged with the murder of his brother by smashing his head with a hammer!
“****ing lying bastard”, came a cry from the gallery!
The clerk continued, the accused is also charged with the murder of the postman by smashing his head with a hammer!
“****ing lying bastard”, came a cry from the same man in the gallery!
The clerk was struggling now, but carried on, the accused is also charged with the murder of a Plumber at his house,
by smashing his head with a hammer!
“****ing lying bastard”, came the cry again from the gallery.
The judge had now had enough of this interruption, and pointed to the man in the gallery, if you interrupt again I will hold you in contempt of court, do you understand?
Yes I do said the man, but I stand by what I said, the accused is my neighbour and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have one!

ILD OTBC
 
A few strange signs seen around the place.

TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

ILD OTBC
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you? Watson pondered for a minute.
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you? He asked Holmes.
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
Watson, it tells me some bastard has stolen our tent.

ILD OTBC
 
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