Visited the memorial in green park earlier this year. Fantastic monument to a lot of brave, brave people. Had a little time of reflection. Made me feel greatful and humble among other emotions. What a debt of gratitude we owe that whole generation. Lest we forget.
A SCOTTISH SOLDIER, IN FULL DRESS UNIFORM, MARCHES INTO A PHARMACY. VERY CAREFULLY HE OPENS HIS SPORRAN AND PULLS OUT A NEATLY FOLDED COTTON BANDANA, UNFOLDS IT TO REVEAL A SMALLER SILK SQUARE HANDKERCHIEF, WHICH HE ALSO UNFOLDS, TO REVEAL A CONDOM. THE CONDOM HAS A NUMBER OF PATCHES ON IT. THE CHEMIST HOLDS IT UP AND EYES IT CRITICALLY."HOW MUCH TO REPAIR IT?' THE SCOT ASKS THE CHEMIST. "SIX PENCE" SAYS THE CHEMIST. "HOW MUCH FOR A NEW ONE?" "TEN PENCE" SAYS THE CHEMIST. THE SCOT PAINSTAKINGLY FOLDS THE CONDOM INTO THE SILK SQUARE HANDKERCHIEF AND THE COTTON BANDANA, REPLACES IT CAREFULLY IN HIS SPORRAN, AND MARCHES OUT OF THE DOOR, SHOULDERS BACK AND KILT SWINGING. A MOMENT OR TWO LATER THE CHEMIST HEARS A GREAT SHOUT GO UP OUTSIDE, FOLLOWED BY AN EVEN GREATER SHOUT. THE SCOTTISH SOLDIER MARCHES BACK INTO THE CHEMISTS AND ADDRESSES THE PROPRIETOR, THIS TIME WITH A GRIN ON HIS FACE. "THE REGIMENT HAS TAKEN A VOTE," HE SAYS. WE'LL HAVE A NEW ONE."
'The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.' This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management Team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re- sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife - Legal & General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your Partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone Different - Go Compare. Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than. Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex with a posh bird - Privileged. Sex with an OAP - Saga ! Sex with a transvestite - confused.com !
A guy is driving around the back streets of Beverley. He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten quid,' the guy says. 'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'
I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?" "Sticks?" I replied
And finally... I keep thinking i'm swimming through an orange ocean full of bubbles.... its just a Fanta sea. Bloke waiting on a bone marrow transplant hears there is a donor in Argentina! The operation goes ahead and is successful so the bloke decides to write to him to thank him. He starts the letter... "Dear Diego marrow donor" I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, she has made a formal complaint and I am barred for life.
Just one more... A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.'
The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them! I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex... My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis- Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!" Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper" "Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad - " That spider never knew what f******g hit it. The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England
Mmmm I'm surprised at that OLM, with internet interest I took a guess at £10,000, I'm a bit out it seems.
