Stolen from fb A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady... Like · · Share · 2 hours ago · 4 people like this. 1 share
Guy gets a job in the Durex quality control room. The foreman takes him round and explains what the job entails, " You have to check one in a hundred " he then takes one off the production line, holds it upto the light, then puts it on, he then calls the company secretary,who drops her pants, bends over the desk and gets a good seeing to, the foreman takes off the rubber holds it upto the light and says " there you go,that's all there is to it". Monday morning, the guy counts out a hundred, takes the next one off the line, holds it up to the light, puts it on and calls the secretary, she cops hold of his dick and jerks him off. " Wait a minute" says the guy "Whats all that about" " Sorry, company policicy, you have to do a week in hand".
Argos are selling Chris Hughton Sat Nav's at half price, why? They only tell you to to the halfway line and stop apparently!
These would be funny if they weren't prophetic HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions. White British minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK ’s third language. Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged. Slough schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa. Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat. Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Hymie Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think. Britain 's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Ali Mohammed Yusuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. USA declines this time and no other country comes forward. Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032. Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. After a ten-year, £75.8 Billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists declare diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of an American male drops to 22 stone. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. In future victims to be held partly responsible for crime. New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons. Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent. Bradford Balti’s win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
My wife was in the kitchen sorting out all the 1p and 2p's when all of a sudden she started screaming and shouting, i thought " Hello, she's going through the change".
Two lesbians broke into the house last night and started to sexually molest my wife while she was in the bath! I tried to help her but only managed to knock one out!!
After a visit to a house of prostitution, a man notices green lumps on his willy. So he goes to the doctors. "That's serious", says the doctor. "You know how Boxers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes", says the man seriously. "Well", says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts."
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ..... 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: 'Bastards won't let me fart'.
Australia 's smartest woman An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. Had a scary moment when I was opening my expensive new furniture with a Stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf. I think my technophobia is improving, but my paranoia isn't. I just checked Google Earth to see if anyone was behind me.
