The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out scouting when Tonto got off his horse, put his ear to a rock on the ground and remained there for a couple of minutes, the Lone Ranger waited patiently then asked, "what is it old friend are you onto something"? Buffalo come here, says Tonto, you're amazing said The Lone Ranger, how can you tell that? The Indian replied.....Tonto ear stuck to rock!
A German approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex viz you." "OK," says the girl, "I charge 20 an hour." "..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem," she replies, "I can do that." So they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing on the springs. "please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller, while he shouts Audi Audi. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to speak. "That was wonderful, what do you call that position?" Zat my dear is called "The four-sprung duck technique."
A Duck staying in a hotel, calls down to the hotel reception desk & asks for a condom. Certainly sir says the receptionist, shall we put it on your bill? The duck says “NO are you thucking thupid I’ll thuffocate!”
Continuing with the duck theme, How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Leave it in the microwave until it's bill withers
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Redruth, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in Penzance, where the nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks. So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man! The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Paddy and Murphy went duck-hunting with their dogs, after a few days without success, they retired to the pub to discuss why things weren't going to plan. After a couple of pints Paddy suddenly says, I've got it, I know what we're doing wrong!! What's that then? Asked Murphy. Paddy says;...........We're not throwing the dogs high enough!
BREAKING NEWS: John Terry announces his return to international football. "He'll fit in perfectly" say Serbian FA.
For those among us who get more excitement out of reading one of Carrabuh's posts than a bit of slap and tickle, read on. The missus bought a paperback down Mumbles, Saturday I had a look into her bag 'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey. Well I just left her to it At ten I went to bed, And one hour later she appeared - The sight filled me with dread.... In her left hand she held a rope, And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor And then began to strip. Well, fifty years or so ago I might have had a peek, But Doris hasn't weathered well, She's eighty-four next week. Watching Doris bump and grind Could not have been much grimmer, Then things went from bad to worse She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet A couple of minutes later, She put her teeth back in and said That I must dominate her! Now if you knew our Doris You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction From our last mad sex, I muttered. She stood there nude, all naked like, Bent forward just a bit... So I thought - what the hell - stepped forward And stood on her left tit! Doris screamed, her teeth shot out, My God, what had I done? She moaned and groaned then shouted out "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can't tell no more 'Bout what occurred that day... Suffice to stay, my jet black hair Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey!"
Brilliant redruth. The downside is that you now owe me a new laptop as I have just spluttered my brew all over it laughing so much. Got tears rolling down my face now. great start to the morning.
That was so good redruth, I'm afraid I have unashamedly nicked it and posted it in the mods forum, so they can appreciate your talents
Essex blonde who is fed up with people taking the Mickey, moves to Norfolk and dyes her hair black. Whilst out on a drive through the countryside she finds the road blocked by a flock of sheep, she winds down the window and says to the farmer " If I can guess how many sheep you have can i have one", "Ok" says the farmer, "148 " says the girl, " Bugger me " says the farmer " You're right, pick anyone you want". The girl takes her pick, the farmer then says " If i can guess the real colour of your hair can i have my dog back".
One Christmas Elisha Otis, the inventor of the elevator popped in to see us, he gave everyone a huge lift.
