LATEST NEWS FROM THE "LEEDS and BRADFORD" BUILDING SOCIETY نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما Good news isn't it. If I hear anything else I'll let you know.
What's the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner? After two years, the vacuum cleaner still sucks!
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12 Heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
The Teacher walks into the classroom and says... "OK class today's word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence?" Little Susie stands up and says "The sky is DEFINITELY blue." The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, grey, or black, but nice try." Little Johnny is at the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth. The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?" Johnny says " I have a question." OK lets hear it, says the teacher. Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?" The teacher says, "Well no they don't." Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just **** my pants!!!"
A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order chop suey. The waiter brings out a pot with a lid but the couple don't get around to eating, because every so often the lid lifts up a tiny bit and a tiny pair of eyes peer out at the couple. Finally, the stunned man calls the waiter over, points out the weird situation, and says, "No matter what, we're not going to eat that. Are you sure that's chop suey?" "Oh I'm sorry sir," the waiter replies, "That's my mistake - I've brought you the Peking duck.
This is a review (one of many) for Veet hair removal gel on Amazon - had me in fits, not sure if they will allow it to stay. Actually, many of the others were hilarious too! By A. Chappell (Denmark) This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care) After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned . Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
Excellent Gandy, that's hilarious, but.......WHY do you habitate a hair removal site? Is it better than this one? <beginningtothinkgandyisabitodd>
These 'Veet' reviews have been a source of mirth for a while now and the Authors have had many in stiches. (Sorry gandy, if this sounds as if 'I'm pissing on your parade') If you want a good belly laugh all reviews are here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Ha...NQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349955755&sr=8-1
Some sick bastard broke into my nans house earlier and forced her to have sex against her will. She'd only just finished writing it too!
Alan Pardew has told his Newcastle United players to forget all about the club’s new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He’s told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4107%.
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
The West Coast train line was closed again yesterday.......Louis Suarez dived in front of the train allegedly !!
THESE ONES WOULD BE POLITICALLY INCORRECT IN SOME CIRCLES, BUT IN LIFE, THEY ARE FUNNY Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. ============================================ Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.... One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma... ============================================= During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there". ============================================= Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now. ============================================= I just saw my first Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends? ============================================= I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. ============================================= I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low. ============================================= I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?" ============================================= A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son......I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please, my Lord." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
I was sat on a bus this morning when i noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to me was reading a book titled "strange but true sex facts" "interesting?" i asked "yes" she replied "for instance did you know the American indians have the longest penis in the world & an Irishman has the thickest?" "oh im sorry" she continued "my names Helen, & yours?"....... "Tonto O'Riley"
