Two old ladies talking; Ted went down the garden last night to pick some beans for tea. He had a heart attack and died! Her friend, taken aback, replied, Oh my god, what on earth did you do? Well what could I do? I had to open a tin of peas instead!
The french say they printed topless pics of Kate Middleton as a response to us sending them Joey Barton. It was a tit for twat move.....
LOL, but I would say this guy is the LABOUR party's worst nightmare as his views are definitely not theirs. Are you sure you haven't tampered with this ILD ? If not I reckon someone has
No mate, I haven't tampered with it. I don't have much to do with politics, it causes grief and starts arguments and I generally find they're all as bad as each other. My local MP is Norman Lamb I believe him to be a Liberal, but, he's a really good man who takes a serious interest in people in his constituency and is very approchable. He generally gets my vote for that alone!
Lady Penelope called Parker into her morning room. Parker I want you do something for me, certainly me lady says Parker. Parker I want you to take off my dress.... Parker does as he's asked and removes her dress. Now Parker take off my Brassiere..... Parker does as he's asked and removes her Bra. Now Parker take off my Panties..... Parker does as he's asked and removes her Knickers. That will be all Parker, but, I don't want to see you wearing my clothes again!
Lady Penelope called Parker into her morning room. Parker I want you do something for me, certainly me lady says Parker. Parker I want you to take off my dress.... Parker does as he's asked and removes her dress. Now Parker take off my Brassiere..... Parker does as he's asked and removes her Bra. Now Parker take off my Panties..... Parker does as he's asked and removes her Knickers. Now Parker, do something Rude and disgusting! Parker drops his trousers,............. ****s in his hand and throws it at the wall!
I was an accountant from the age of 20 to the age of 30, before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of 14 years that was!
Essex girl crisis; She made two dates for the same night, but it worked out OK as she managed to squeeze them both in!!!
Apparently, Royal Doulton are bringing out a couple of small jugs to commemorate Bill and Kate's overseas trip.
Two Welsh shepherds are driving a lorry full of sheep back to their hillside farm, when suddenly the brakes fail as they come hurtling towards a sharp bend in the road. “Quick!” shouted Dai . “Jump for it.” “What about the sheep?” shouted Taffy. “Oh **** the sheep!” yelled Dai “What?” cried Taffy, “do you think we have time?”
I went into Boots yesterday and asked for some deodorant. Would that be the Ball type asked the assistant? No I't's for my armpits, I said.
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large ZERO in the middle and a banner that said ‘NIL.’ White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to a white-robed priest beside him and asked, “Is Nothing Sacred?”
A man goes into a bar with a Cat and a Flamingo and orders two pints of beer for himself and the cat, and a glass of wine for the Flamingo. That’ll be £10, says the barmaid. You get these, says the Cat to the Flamingo, so the bird pays. A little later they order another round and this time the Cat says to the man, Your round mate, so the man pays up. The three stay at the bar all night drinking heavily but never once does the Cat pay for a round, always having some excuse. Eventually, the bemused landlord can't contain his curiosity any longer and asks the man what he’s doing with the Cat and Flamingo. Well, says the man, I found a old lamp in my loft last week, rubbed it and a genie appeared he told me he would grant me one wish. I think he must have mis-understood me though, because this wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy.
Tonya comes home from school and asks her mum, Is it true what they've told us about babies? I don't know dear, what did they say? They said that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies! Well that's right said her mum, relieved that she wouldn't have to explain it herself now. But, said Tonya, when I have a baby won't it knock my teeth out?
