Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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Two old ladies talking;
Ted went down the garden last night to pick some beans for tea. He had a heart attack and died!
Her friend, taken aback, replied, Oh my god, what on earth did you do?
Well what could I do? I had to open a tin of peas instead!
 
ilovedelia said:
Not a joke as such, but I thought it might spark a bit of debate!
It arrived on my email today, I didn't write it, but agree with most of it!



I THINK THIS MAN HAS IT ALL COVERED. I COULDN'T SPOT ANYTHING HE LEFT OUT.

"I am the Tory Party's Worst Nightmare. I am a White, Tax-Paying, God fearing English man. I am a hard working Brit and I work long hours to earn a living.

I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don't push it on others. I believe in British products and buy them whenever I can.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not to some governmental functionary, to share with others who don't work!

I think owning a home doesn't make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart Brit. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it. Join in with the majority!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English. I believe there should be no other language option.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are fellow Brits like Freddy Flintoff and Winston Churchill and I know I've missed a few thousand!!!!!

I don't hate the rich. What I hate is the way they always manage to avoid paying proper taxes. I don't pity the poor, I just hate the way they are always moaning that they are hard done by!!

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is Britain
.....We like it the way it is and even more so the way it was...so stop trying to change it to look like some other socialist country! If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the House of Commons, the seat of our biggest problems.

I want to know where the "Do Gooders" get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?
Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driving licence. I think it's good....


I dislike those people trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause....Get a job and support yourself and your family!

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe the Union Jack flag should be allowed to be flown anywhere in the United Kingdom !

If this makes me a BAD Brit, then yes, I'm a BAD Brit. If you are a BAD Brit too, please forward this to everyone you know....

We want our country back! My Country.....
I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

My great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War. My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in World Wars 1&2. I watched as my friends died in Sierra Leone Bosnia, & Desert Storm. Our sons and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq . None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every Briton died for the British flag.

At one high school, foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a school flag pole. British students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down.

West London high school students were sent home, because they wore T-shirts with the Union Jack flag printed on them.

What is going on?? What idiots do we have in authority?? Enough is enough.

This message needs to be viewed by every Brit; and every Briton needs to stand up for Britain . We've bent over to appease the Brit-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.

I'm standing up because of the millions who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the British flag.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message. IT IS NOT !

Britons, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration !

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:

1. Get a sponsor !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past!
3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we Britons Do
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and paid for it !
7. Find a place to lay your head !

If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !

We've gone so far the other way... bent over backwards not to offend anyone.

WAKE UP BRITAIN ! ! !

If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp !

Made in BRITAIN & DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!!"

AMEN"
Click to expand...

<laugh>LOL, but I would say this guy is the LABOUR party's worst nightmare as his views are definitely not theirs. Are you sure you haven't tampered with this ILD ? If not I reckon someone has <whistle>
 
kickitoff-throwitin said:
<laugh>LOL, but I would say this guy is the LABOUR party's worst nightmare as his views are definitely not theirs. Are you sure you haven't tampered with this ILD ? If not I reckon someone has <whistle>
Click to expand...

No mate, I haven't tampered with it.
I don't have much to do with politics, it causes grief and starts arguments and I generally find they're all as bad as each other. My local MP is Norman Lamb I believe him to be a Liberal, but, he's a really good man who takes a serious interest in people in his constituency and is very approchable. He generally gets my vote for that alone!
 
Lady Penelope called Parker into her morning room.
Parker I want you do something for me, certainly me lady says Parker.
Parker I want you to take off my dress....
Parker does as he's asked and removes her dress.
Now Parker take off my Brassiere.....
Parker does as he's asked and removes her Bra.
Now Parker take off my Panties.....
Parker does as he's asked and removes her Knickers.




That will be all Parker, but, I don't want to see you wearing my clothes again!
 
Lady Penelope called Parker into her morning room.
Parker I want you do something for me, certainly me lady says Parker.
Parker I want you to take off my dress....
Parker does as he's asked and removes her dress.
Now Parker take off my Brassiere.....
Parker does as he's asked and removes her Bra.
Now Parker take off my Panties.....
Parker does as he's asked and removes her Knickers.
Now Parker, do something Rude and disgusting!
Parker drops his trousers,.............




****s in his hand and throws it at the wall!
 
Apparently, Royal Doulton are bringing out a couple of small jugs to commemorate Bill and Kate's overseas trip.
 
Two Welsh shepherds are driving a lorry full of sheep back to their hillside farm,
when suddenly the brakes fail as they come hurtling towards a sharp bend in the road.
&#8220;Quick!&#8221; shouted Dai . &#8220;Jump for it.&#8221;
&#8220;What about the sheep?&#8221; shouted Taffy.
&#8220;Oh **** the sheep!&#8221; yelled Dai
&#8220;What?&#8221; cried Taffy, &#8220;do you think we have time?&#8221;
 
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large ZERO in the middle and
a banner that said &#8216;NIL.&#8217; White-robed people were kneeling before
the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed priest beside him and asked,

&#8220;Is Nothing Sacred?&#8221;
 
A man goes into a bar with a Cat and a Flamingo and orders two pints of beer for himself and the cat, and a glass of wine for the Flamingo.
That&#8217;ll be £10, says the barmaid.
You get these, says the Cat to the Flamingo, so the bird pays.
A little later they order another round and this time the Cat says to the man, Your round mate, so the man pays up.
The three stay at the bar all night drinking heavily but never once does the Cat pay for a round, always having some excuse.
Eventually, the bemused landlord can't contain his curiosity any longer and asks the man what he&#8217;s doing with the Cat and Flamingo.
Well, says the man, I found a old lamp in my loft last week, rubbed it and a genie appeared he told me he would grant me one wish.
I think he must have mis-understood me though, because this wasn&#8217;t what I had in mind when I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy.
 
Tonya comes home from school and asks her mum, Is it true what they've told us about babies?
I don't know dear, what did they say?
They said that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies!
Well that's right said her mum, relieved that she wouldn't have to explain it herself now.
But, said Tonya, when I have a baby won't it knock my teeth out?
 
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