Man Utd fans have been celebrating Robin van Persie while Liverpool fans have been celebrating robbing van stereos!
These are actual comments made by Southern Troopers that were taken off their car videos: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile." 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether yo u are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center) 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 14. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." (OUCH!)
The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection. “No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said. So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!” She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.” When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.” The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!” “It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out
The prime minster of India called his cabinet together for a meeting. I want to raise this countries profile, as I fear we are still conceived as being a bit third world. I want to instigate a car race that will go all round this great country, so I want you all to go out and advertise it and see what the response is, please report back here in 2 weeks time with your results. Two weeks passed, the meeting re-convened, a spokesman was nominated to gather the results. Well asked the prime minister what have you found out? It’s been well received said the spokesman, we have 8 million people interested! Oh my goodness says the PM, that’s far too many, we’ll never be able to control that number of people, you will have to come up with an idea to reduce the number to a more manageable figure. Please report back in 2 weeks time with ideas and numbers. Two weeks passed, the meeting re-convened, well said the PM what do you have to tell me? The spokesman said it’s gone very well, we decided to restrict it to men only, with one testicle, that lowered the number to 1.5million. No, still far too many said the PM, please try again, see you in two weeks. Two weeks passed, the meeting re-convened, well said the PM what do you have to tell me, The spokesman said it’s gone very well, we got the number down to 500 by restricting it to men with NO testicles. Excellent said the PM, that’s manageable, now all we need is a name for the race! Ah, said the spokesman, we’ve already thought about that, how does the Indian Knackerless 500 sound? ILD OTBC
I was in the pub last night with an Italian and a Frenchman, when they started to discuss their love lives! The Frenchman said, last night I made love to my wife 4 times, and this morning she made me delicious crepes, strong coffee and told me she loved me. The Italian said well I made love to my wife 6 times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and a cappuccino and said she could never love another. I remained silent enjoying my pint when they asked, what about you? How many times did you make love to your wife last night? Once I replied, just the once! Only once, "sacre blue" said the Frenchman, and what did she say to you this morning. That was the best 8 hours of sex I've ever had, and I'm too knackered to make you breakfast!! ILD OTBC
Nomination for bad taste joke of the week..... I really wanted to go to the paralympics, but the tickets were so expensive it cost me an arm and a leg
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.* One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?? All the men stood up! No no' he said. That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? All the women stood up!! 'No no' he said. That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them.* Half the women stood up!! 'No no' he said That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock? All the choir boys stood up!! ILD OTBC
A few footballers actual quotes. 'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'* - David Beckham 'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'* - Mark Viduka 'We lost because we didn't win.'* - Ronaldo 'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.'* - Neville Southall 'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'* - Ronnie Whelan 'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on*the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham.*My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out*there playing.'* - Ade Akinbiyi 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'* - Stuart Pearce 'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.'* - David Beckham 'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.'* - Paul Gascoigne 'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.'* - Alan Shearer* 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'* - Mark Draper 'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'* - Peter Shilton 'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'* - Stan Collymore 'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'* - Ian Wright 'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'* - Ugo Ehiogu Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middleborough.'* - Jonathan Woodgate 'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'* - Lee Hendrie 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'* - Ian Rush 'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.'* - Steve Lomas 'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'* - Barry Venison* 'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.'* - David Beckham The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.'* - Phil Neville 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'* - Mitchell Thomas 'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'* - Graeme Le Saux 'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'* - Alan Shearer 'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' -* - Johnny Giles 'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'* - Les Ferdinand 'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'* - Richard Rufus * ' There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'* - Gary Lineker 'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'* - Thierry Henry ILD OTBC
You know I realy wanted to go to the Paralympics, but the tickets were so expensive it cost me an arm and a leg!
Not a joke as such, but I thought it might spark a bit of debate! It arrived on my email today, I didn't write it, but agree with most of it! I THINK THIS MAN HAS IT ALL COVERED. I COULDN'T SPOT ANYTHING HE LEFT OUT. "I am the Tory Party's Worst Nightmare. I am a White, Tax-Paying, God fearing English man. I am a hard working Brit and I work long hours to earn a living. I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don't push it on others. I believe in British products and buy them whenever I can. I believe the money I make belongs to me and not to some governmental functionary, to share with others who don't work! I think owning a home doesn't make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart Brit. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it. Join in with the majority! I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English. I believe there should be no other language option. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. My heroes are fellow Brits like Freddy Flintoff and Winston Churchill and I know I've missed a few thousand!!!!! I don't hate the rich. What I hate is the way they always manage to avoid paying proper taxes. I don't pity the poor, I just hate the way they are always moaning that they are hard done by!! I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is Britain .....We like it the way it is and even more so the way it was...so stop trying to change it to look like some other socialist country! If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the House of Commons, the seat of our biggest problems. I want to know where the "Do Gooders" get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution? Can I get an AMEN on that one? I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driving licence. I think it's good.... I dislike those people trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause....Get a job and support yourself and your family! I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think! I believe the Union Jack flag should be allowed to be flown anywhere in the United Kingdom ! If this makes me a BAD Brit, then yes, I'm a BAD Brit. If you are a BAD Brit too, please forward this to everyone you know.... We want our country back! My Country..... I hope this offends all illegal aliens. My great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War. My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in World Wars 1&2. I watched as my friends died in Sierra Leone Bosnia, & Desert Storm. Our sons and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq . None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every Briton died for the British flag. At one high school, foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a school flag pole. British students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down. West London high school students were sent home, because they wore T-shirts with the Union Jack flag printed on them. What is going on?? What idiots do we have in authority?? Enough is enough. This message needs to be viewed by every Brit; and every Briton needs to stand up for Britain . We've bent over to appease the Brit-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand. I'm standing up because of the millions who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the British flag. And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message. IT IS NOT ! Britons, stop giving away Your RIGHTS ! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY ! This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration ! YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally: 1. Get a sponsor ! 2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past! 3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we Britons Do 4. Get a job ! 5. Pay YOUR Taxes ! 6. No Social Security until you have earned it and paid for it ! 7. Find a place to lay your head ! If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM ! We've gone so far the other way... bent over backwards not to offend anyone. WAKE UP BRITAIN ! ! ! If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp ! Made in BRITAIN & DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!!" AMEN"
Scandal on the opening day of the Paralympics as some of the Team GB wheelchair basketball team test positive for WD40.
LIDL JOB INTERVIEW Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of C.V's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. Hmmm...let me see 'A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.* A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. * When you flip that switch, way out across the field the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. He replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.' 'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. Ah well, 'you see, the other day I wasn't feeling very well, and I ran for the bathroom! But before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** myself..' The fourth man is now working at a Lidl near you!
Questions that deserved these answers: Q: Are you sexually active?* A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth?* A: July fifteenth.* Q: What year?* A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?* A: Jeans, tee shirt and trainers. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?* A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.* Q: How long has he lived with you?* A: Forty-five years!* Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?* A: Yes.* Q: And what were you doing at that time? A: Errrr! Q: She had three children, right?* A: Yes.* Q: How many were boys?* A: None.* Q: Were there any girls?* A: No! Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? A: 23! Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? A: No! Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?* A: Correct, not until the alarm goes off! Q: How was your first marriage terminated?* A: By death.* Q: And by whose death was it terminated?* A: Mine! Q: Can you describe the individual?* A: He was about medium height and had a beard.* Q: Was this a male, or a female?* A: Oh F.F.S. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice*which I sent to your Lawyer?* A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?* A: ALL my autopsies are performed on dead people! Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?* A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.* Q: And was the patient dead at the time?* A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?* A: No.* Q: Did you check for blood pressure?* A: No.* Q: Did you check for breathing?* A: No.* Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the*autopsy?* A: No.* Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?* A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?* A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample* A: Are you taking the p**s?
Dear Employees Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, the Management had decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE retire aged people early. Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme special help after forced termination. Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme Scheme covering retired early workers. A person may be RAPED once SHAFTED twice and Screwed as many times as management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS additional income for dependents and spouse or HERPES half earnings for retired personnel early severance. Obviously persons who have AIDS or Herpes will not be shafted or screwed any further by management. Persons who are not Raped and are staying on will receive as much **** special high intensity training as possible.Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employers. Should you feel that you do not receive enough **** please bring to the attention of your supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle!
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Clegg: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!" Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity." Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed." Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?" Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"
Paddy went into the pet shop and asked for a parrot, yes sir said the assistant, do you have a preference? What's that mean says Paddy? Well we have Greys, Blues, Multi coloured, African, Danish..... African, African, yes to be sure those Africans can run like hell, I'll take six. What do you mean says the assistant, they fly, parrots fly. Ah bugger says paddy thats no good to be sure, I wanted to enter them in the parrotlympics!!
A woman has been going around mutilating male genitals with a stanley knife. A police spokesman said one of his officers has had a tip off!
Jenny wants to take her new boyfriend, a wounded soldier, to meet her mum. They were chatting away, when Jenny says, Mum, Dave wants to marry me, but he's only got one foot! Jenny's Mum replies, When I married your dad, one foot was good enough for any girl, don't be so greedy!
