A man goes to the Doctor’s and says, "Doctor, you gotta help me!" The doctor says, "What’s your problem?" The man says, "Every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole", give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next-door neighbour’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw." Well", said the doctor, "What’s your problem?" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
The wife has just asked what is the reason for their being a pair of womens knickers in my coat pocket. I told her its because she's a nosey cnut!
The wife said she had just got home from the hospital. She had reluctantly agreed to switch off her mothers life support machine. She said was the hardest thing she has ever had to do. She's obviously never sneezed while holding a pint!
Simon Cowell was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Why are you eating grass? he asked the man. I don't have any money for food, the poor man replied. Oh, please come to my house there's loads to eat there!! "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." Bring them all along! Simon said. The man and his family all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." Oh, I'm not taking you in said Simon, the grass at my house is over three feet tall, and I sacked the gardner last week! ILD OTBC
A tour bus driver is carrying a bus full of old aged pensioners, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he takes and eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. A while later she is about to hand him some more, when he asks her I'm not complaining, but why don't you eat the peanuts? We can't chew them because we have no teeth, she replied, So we just suck the chocolate off them! ILD OTBC
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon1. They asked me why I had such a long password? WHAT I said? you told me my password had to be at least 8 characters long with one capital and one number. ILD OTBC
Last week, we were trying out a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Another waiter brought our water and cutlery, and I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, Why the spoon? Well, he explained, the restaurant’s owners hired a Consulting company to revamp all our processes. They concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. So if we're better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. So looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before he walked off, I asked him about the string. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the toilet by tying a piece of string to the end of our willies so we can pull it out without touching it so we don't have to waste time washing our hands he said. I asked, OK after you get it out, how do you put it back? Well, he whispered, I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon!! ILD OTBC
There was a young man from Kent, Whose Dick was exceedingly bent, To save himself trouble, He had it bent double, And instead of coming he went !
Bored of watching Spain v Portugal? Give The Exorcist a try: similar amounts of possession, but more penetration from crosses.
When Martin McGuiness met the Queen , it is thought he presented her with a 1000 piece jigsaw of Lord Mountbatten.
Not so much a joke, but damn good amusement and very clever. Enter your post code and watch a Jumbo jet taxi down your street - honest! http://taxi.ba.com/
What's the difference between the USA and a cup of yogurt? If you leave a cup of yogurt to sit for 200 years, it will develop a culture. A man dressed as an egg has tried to gain entry to tonight's Euro 2012 Final. He was quickly whisked away by security and beaten.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, You sign! You sign here preeze! Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Mr Mandela is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. You sign! You sign for frings preeze! Mr Mandela says to him, Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off, and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back this time with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Mr Mandela's nose, yelling, You sign! You sign here preeze! Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, he shoves the little Chinese man in the chest, shouting: Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them! He slams the door in anger again. The following day, Mr Mandela is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. He opens the door, there is the same little Chinese man, who thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting You sign! You sign for fings preeze! Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Mr Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front looks him in the eye and yells at him; Look, I don't want these frings, I mean things! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: You no Nissan Maindealer? ILD OTBC
The police arrested Paddy Ginty, a 22-year-old, resident of Breen, Ireland, in an allotment at 12:05 a.m. last Friday night. Mr Ginty was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Breen County court on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing the allotment he spotted a row of Pumpkins,and decided to stop. You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't, he stated when interviewed. Mr Ginty went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. I guess I was just really into it, you know? he commented with evident embarrassment. So much so that he failed to notice a police car approching. He was still unaware of his audience until officer Colleen Murphy approached him. It was an unusual situation, that's for sure, said officer Murphy! I walked up to Mr Ginty and he's...well...just working away at this pumpkin. Officer Murphy went on to describe what happened when she approached Mr Ginty. I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' Mr Ginty froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, he looked me straight in the eye and said.......... A pumpkin is it now? Has it gone past midnight already? ILD OTBC
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack them in the face! ILD OTBC
This was levelled at me sometime ago on this forum, so here is the explanation of.........Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a university dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says You don't know Jack Schitt, You can correct them! ILD OTBC
I was out fishing with a mate the other day, when he said, blimey that suns hot, I said well stop touching it then! ILD OTBC
