Well, he is a fat bastard!! I'll never forget him falling on his fat arse after tripping over his own feet <3
But on topic, I've never played 11 a side, played 5 a side for a while and even though there's not really positions, I stayed at the back because I was too lazy to run forward, and I'm appalling at anything to do with ball control. Scored 3 goals overall, which is ridiculous considering how much we played! JDub will vouch for how good two of them were though (no mentioning the calamitous first)
Sounds like me almost! Sod awful at skill so you just defend

Never made a team though