TJ vs Relic
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Welder attempts to get an early dig in, knowing that he'll have to blind side the ex-para to get an early advantage.
Trouble is, Rog is wearing them sunglasses with the mirrors on the side, and counters Welder's attack by smashing an 8 inch j full of Amsterdam's finest in to his mouth.
Before you know it, both men are crashed out, stoned beyond talking or walking and the ref has counted out both men.
Neither makes it through to the next round, although they really don't care
fair do's mate but the only rimming I do is the wife's.... so long as its clean
That's disgusting...
Got any pics?
This match is set in Africa.
Roger comes dressed in warpaint and wearing a grass skirt.
Welder comes in his work gear with masks and everything.
Roger makes his move by lobbing his spear at him. A fuxking goid shot. Hit Welder right in his nutsack and down he goes. Roger moves in for the kill. Foaming at the mouth dagger drawn. He kneels over Welder about to give the death blow. But he forgets one thing. Weilder is a eerrr welder. Who has his lite welding torch at the ready. And set Rogers grass skirt on fire and whoosh up he goes. Running back into the jungle set everything alight as he goes.
Welder and his pierced nut sack wins.
not at the minute, waiting for the cream to work on the piles
I'll just leave lunch for a while.
QWOP - fresh off guard duty on Joe's big fridge, turns up full of Red Bull 'cos he's just done a few exams. He's looking a bit jittery to say the least.
Gonads has arrived in a pimped out BMW with spinning wheels and proceeds to lob a load of vinyl at QWOP, slicing the top of his head off, with one of the records.
Just as Gonads is standing over QWOP with a brick ready to cave his skull in, his phone beeps, Paddy Power are offering him £150 to cash out now on his bet, he is in disbelief at this miserable offer but QWOP takes advantage, in the meantime he's got into the BMW and is driving it full speed at Gonads.
There's brains and guts everywhere, Gonads has been splattered all over the floor and to make matters worse, his bet went down before he cashed out.
QWOP is the victor.
Funky v Cardew.
The re make of the battle of boldon hill.
Funky comes with Simon the butt plug. Cardew is carrying the whole box set of the railway children books.
Cardew takes out the first book and starts reading it out aloud.
Funky is stunned. A mag that can read. He looks at Simon with evil intent. Cardew carries on reading oblivious to the impending blow he is about to recieve.
Wallop. Cardew is out and Funky storms off. No one knows the truth about what really happened at this battle. But the legend has it that Simon found a new permanant home. And Cardew is still seen today walking around the slums of Byker unable to speak and very upright.
Funky wins by legacy.
Smug vs Cest
Smug is happily sitting at Le Petit Fleur De Provence having a champagne sangria with Mrs Smug when all of a sudden he's clobbered round the back of the head by a man with a rubber duck dinghy round his waist carrying a bat and ball set.
The man identifies himself as Cestria Mackem, he snatches the sangria from the table and begins to devour it, glass after glass as he sees Smug coming-to in the corner of his eye.
Cest makes a dash for it but slips on a little plate of caviar that Smug had put on the floor as it wasn't good enough, Cest bangs his face on the floor and is unconscious.
Mrs Smug has had enough and picks them both up, knocking their heads together and they're forced to shake hands and say sorry to each other.
Smug always has to have the last word though so texts Cest "I'm not sorry, I'll get you next time, you bastard"
Undecided winner... rematch required.
Smug is happily sitting at Le Petit Fleur De Provence having a champagne sangria with Mrs Smug when all of a sudden he's clobbered round the back of the head by a man with a rubber duck dinghy round his waist carrying a bat and ball set.
The man identifies himself as Cestria Mackem, he snatches the sangria from the table and begins to devour it, glass after glass as he sees Smug coming-to in the corner of his eye.
Cest makes a dash for it but slips on a little plate of caviar that Smug had put on the floor as it wasn't good enough, Cest bangs his face on the floor and is unconscious.
Mrs Smug has had enough and picks them both up, knocking their heads together and they're forced to shake hands and say sorry to each other.
Smug always has to have the last word though so texts Cest "I'm not sorry, I'll get you next time, you bastard"
Undecided winner... rematch required.
The biggest mis match in the history of poster death match.
Sid six foot three and weighing in at a little over 21 stone.
Jerry a shy quiet housewife standind at five foot five in her high heels.
Sid think he.s got this one in the bag. He takes out his accountacy pen. A silvet parker pen and stabs Jerry staight in the face. Jerry doesnt bat a eye. Armed with a six inch stilleto shoe she unleashed the fists of fury.
Strike after strike the stilleto piercrs Sids skull. But Jerry is relentless and us obliivious to the accountants pleads for mercy. The death blow is delivered.
Jerry is all worn out so pops into the kitchen and makes a nice cup of tea.
Jerry wins. Sids dead.
Tees and Aussie had spent the whole weekend on the piss together, they'd been to the match and they'd been to the pub, went to a few more pubs, had a great laugh.
Time to settle down with a brew and watch the Corrie omnibus...
"Hey sheila I've had a great weekend matey, thanks for the hospitality"
"No probs pal, just keep it down a little now mate, my favourite show is on"
"What? I barely ****ing said a word, you bloody winding me up you bloody English bum ferret?"
"No man, just chill for a bit, I love Corrie".
"Fuuuuurk Youuuuu pal, you want some, I'll stuff your bloody head in your arse, bloody english are all the bloody same"
"Seriously, just ****ing be quiet, Dierdrie's gonna tell Ken her secret".
"No ****ign way, you asked for it well here it comes you bloody english ****..."
At that point, Tees decided he was going to have to take out the trash before he was allowed to settle down and watch his favourite show...
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Tees wins
I am absolutely howling here. My colleagues think I've gone bonkers
I am absolutely howling here. My colleagues think I've gone bonkers
You haven't?
This has turned into one of the funniest threads I've ever read, well played.