Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and.. and... and you know, he's a married man!"
 
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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick.’
 
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Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby called to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
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"you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
 
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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.


'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.


'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.


''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and ALL of Washington DC.
 
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Garlic Klopp said:
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied that it took only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senior."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senior, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then, senior?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."
"Millions, senior? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Click to expand...

<laugh> fantastic
 
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aww, darn!" says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary!"
 
A guy is talking to his best friend. He tells him, "I haven't made love with her for a month. She's carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her."
The friend replied, "Talk louder man, I can't hear a thing you're saying."
 
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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
> mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
>
> When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
> whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
> his way with a gift cheque for £50.
>
> At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
> gold box.
>
> The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
> whisky.
>
> At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
> lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
> bedroom
> where she blew his mind with the most passionate l loving he had ever
> experienced.
>
> When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed
> him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
> and
> freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
> him a
> cup of steaming coffee.
>
> As she was pouring, he noticed a note sticking out from under the cup's
> bottom edge.
>
> "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
> five
> pound note for?"
>
> "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
> would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
> I
> asked him what to give you.
>
> "He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
>
> She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
 
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Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
 
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