Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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On holiday a couple of years ago on a camp site in France, I heard someone shouting as I walked near some buildings. As I walked round the edge of a building, in the distance I saw a guy hanging from a ledge, a ladder he had been on had obviously slipped. He shouted "HELP do you speak English?". I shouted " Just cling on" and I was about to run to him and he shouted " Hak toooay maj hoosak
 
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'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
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My wife was devastated when the doctor told her she would never be able to have children.

That night,in bed,as I held her close to me, while the tears rolled down her face,I tried my best to comfort her.

"Don't worry,"I said,"Everything will be fine.I'm sure I'll be able to find someone else."
 
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Daughters vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
 
A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
“My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
 
A little kid runs into his parents bedroom to find his mother naked.

He spies her hairy clam and asks "Mum what is that at the top of your legs?

Mum thinking he is too young to know about sex replies, "don't worry it's just my sponge"

A few days later she has just finished shaving her minge, in an effort to spice up her flagging sex life, when in he runs again.

"Mum, mum, where's your sponge?! It's gone". Thinking quickly she replies "I've lost it around somewhere, it'll turn up don't worry".

A day or two later she is washing up the dishes and her son bursts in through the back door a big smile across his face.

Mum, mum mum!! I've found your sponge the lady next door has got it and she's washing dad's face with it!
 
The Bad News: Recent pictures show North Korean Dictator Kim Jon-un in front of his his IMac Planning nuclear attacks on D.C., L.A. and Austin.

The Good News: He is using Apple Maps.
 
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Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on the door of an elderly lady.
She opens the door and asks who they are.
They tell her that they are Jehovah's Witnesses and she lets them both inside.
She tells them to take a seat on her sofa, and asks if they would like a cup of tea or coffee.
"Two teas would be nice, please," comes the reply.
Then she asks if they would like custard creams with their drinks.
"Oh, yes please, that would be lovely," comes the response.
Five minutes later the old woman comes back into the front room and places the drinks and biscuits on the table, sits down and says, "So what is it that you want to talk to me about?"
The first Jehovah shrugs her shoulders and says, "We don't know, this is the furthest that we have ever got."
 
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
 
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