As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "The part's made for you," he said. "They want someone your age, height and build with an accent like yours, and it's being filmed about 5 minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a Crimewatch rape reconstruction." "Erm... No... I'm busy that day..."
BEST ONE LINERS? 1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. 4. I, for one, like Roman numerals. 5. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her. 6. Standing in the park, i was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me. 7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes. please log in to view this image 9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 10. My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday”. That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive. 11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.” 12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. 13. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. 14. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it. 15. I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.” 16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. please log in to view this image 17. As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Luckily my older brother told me about it. 18. People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people. 19. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon. 20. Whiteboards are remarkable. 21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. 22. Exit signs, they are on the way out, aren’t they. 23. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?" The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
Women will never be equal to men.. until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" There Carol's
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Here's a joke only RHC will find funny. Knock Knock Who's There To To Who Spoiler: Punchline ffs TO WHOM
After a bus blows up on a quiet street, Keanu Reeves chases down another bus containing a bigger bomb, in the process totalling a convertible sports car. Trying to keep it over 50mph he clips the wing mirrors off 50 cars, damages an incomplete freeway, closes an international airport for an hour while he circles the runway, before finally crashing the bus into a $200m plane. Total cost: $250m. Amount Dennis Hopper wanted: $3m
Our local Vicar was messing about in the bell tower at the weekend and got his knob caught up in one of the bell ropes. Apparently he got tolled (told) off
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in
