Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Red Hadron Collider said:
FFS <doh> That's really encouraging people to walk to get some exercise.
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It's extremely rare to see anyone walk anywhere in South Carolina. Yes in part the side walks (which are rare) are horrendous.

In part it's too hot and humid 6 months of the year. Walk half a mile and you're drenched in sweat. The other thing is we're 4.75 million people spread out over an area the size of Scotland. Nothing is close.

I'd have to walk 3 miles from my house to the nearest store that sold ANYTHING. (its actually a lot closer than that if I jumped peoples fences.. <laugh> but assuming I followed the road legally.

And I'm near the state capital. One of the most densly packed parts of the state.
 
Milk Needs to Poop said:
It's extremely rare to see anyone walk anywhere in South Carolina. Yes in part the side walks (which are rare) are horrendous.

In part it's too hot and humid 6 months of the year. Walk half a mile and you're drenched in sweat. The other thing is we're 4.75 million people spread out over an area the size of Scotland. Nothing is close.

I'd have to walk 3 miles from my house to the nearest store that sold ANYTHING. (its actually a lot closer than that if I jumped peoples fences.. <laugh> but assuming I followed the road legally.

And I'm near the state capital. One of the most densly packed parts of the state.
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Will you **** off with the multiple name changes <doh>
 
When I was on a course at our company headquarters in Atlanta a group of us, about 15 or so, decided to walk from the hotel to a nearby shopping mall. It was during the evening rush hour and as we walked between the stationary traffic you could hear all the doors locks being clicked down.

We mentioned it to an American colleague the next day and he said it was because people rarely walked, and a large group walking as it was getting dark would be assumed to be up to no good.

Ironically when we got to the shopping mall, which was huge, a security guard shot a shoplifter after a scuffle. The place was so big we never even heard the gunshot, just came across the Police/Paramedic activity as we were browsing the shops.
 
Garlic Klopp said:
When I was on a course at our company headquarters in Atlanta a group of us, about 15 or so, decided to walk from the hotel to a nearby shopping mall. It was during the evening rush hour and as we walked between the stationary traffic you could hear all the doors locks being clicked down.

We mentioned it to an American colleague the next day and he said it was because people rarely walked, and a large group walking as it was getting dark would be assumed to be up to no good.

Ironically when we got to the shopping mall, which was huge, a security guard shot a shoplifter after a scuffle. The place was so big we never even heard the gunshot, just came across the Police/Paramedic activity as we were browsing the shops.
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Nice.
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
 
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Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.
 
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There was an interesting documentary on Radio 4 today about the famous composer, Sir John Barbirolli. His father was Italian and his mother was French, but he was a true Cockney. How does that work?

Does he start a fight, change sides half way through, and then end up surrendering?
 
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
 
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