Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Q - Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A - He was all bite and no bark.Q - Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A - At the casketeria.Q - Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.A - Because of the coffin. Q - What is a vampires favorite holiday?A - Fangsgiving.
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Q - Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? A - He heard it had great circulation.Q - What happens when two vampires meet? A - It was love at first bite!Q - Which building does Dracula visit in New York?A - The Vampire State Building.Q - What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?A - blood-thirsty hacker baby.
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Q - Why do vampires scare people?A - They are bored to death! Q - How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?A - Every night he turns into a bat.Q - What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?A - It's a pain in the neck. Q - How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?A - All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
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Q - What songs does Dracula hate?A - "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.Q - How does a girl vampire flirt?A - She bats her eyes. Q - What is a vampires least favorite food?A - SteakQ -What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?A - A grave problem.
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Q - What is a vampire's favorite fruit?A - Neck tarinesQ - Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? A - He has a bat temper.Q - Why did Dracula go to the dentist?A - He had a fang-ache. Q - Why are vampires like false teeth?A - They all come out at night.
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Q - Who does Dracula get letters from?A - His fang club.Q - Why did Dracula take cold medicine?A - To stop his coffin.Q - Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?A - Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.
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Q - What type of dog does every vampire have?A - Bloodhound!Q - Why did the vampire need mouthwash?A - Because he had bat breath.Q - What's a Vampire's least favourate song?A - Another one bites the dust!
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Q - What is a vamire's favorite fruit?A - A necktarine.Q - What did Dracula have for dessert?A - Whine & Ice scream.Q - What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt?A - Murder King
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Q - Where do vampires keep their money?A - The blood bank!!!Q - What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?A - They suck! (or they bite!)

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Have a Happy Halloween!


 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice screamed from inside,

"I'm not dead! I'm not dead!"

To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!"
 
Tesco Pharmacy

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

...
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
 
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Tobes said:
Tesco Pharmacy

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

...
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
Click to expand...

I have heard it before mate, but it's a good 'un. One to share with some on my in vitro diagnostics clients <laugh>
 
Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
 
Just for @Red Hadron Collider :


  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

  7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

  13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

  18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
 
Milk Key Weigh said:
Just for @Red Hadron Collider :


  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

  7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

  13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

  18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

I said I hadn't heard any NEW jokes <doh>
 
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