Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
A bloke carrying an old sofa stopped me in the street and asked, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip". . I said, "Chelsea to win the Premiership".
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room! Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
Florida man claims a joke he made about crystal meth got him permanently banned from Disney property, according to First Coast News. David Swindler of St. Augustine was visiting Disney World with his family during the Labor Day weekend. The family was able to get a last-minute room at the Pop Century resort, but they wanted to extend their stay. During the first night of the family's visit, Swindler called the front desk to ask if there were any cancellations so they could get a room for Sunday night. Swindler says he was on hold for 15 minutes, then hung up and called back. Growing impatient, he made a joke about how he "could have built a meth lab" in the time it's taken to get an answer to his question, Swindler says in a YouTube video detailing the incident. Prior to that call, Swindler had called the front desk complaining about an odd chemical smell. please log in to view this image
A man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big passionate kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?' 'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that's my mistress.' 'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.' 'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife. 'That's his mistress,' says her husband. 'Ours is much prettier,' she replies.
Jose Mourinho was quick to quell the rumours linking him with the Newcastle job this morning, saying, "I'm not that ****ing special."
