Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Two strangers sit next to each other in a pub. "So what's your problem mate?" asks one of them. " Well, you see this house?(showing a photobooklet), I designed and build it myself." "That's a beauty!" the others says. "Yeah, but do you think people call me an architect or a mason? No!
And look at this garden, designed and cultivated by myself.
Do you think people call me a gardendesigner or a gardener?
No! And then this fence, designed and forged by me, but you think they call me an artist or a blacksmith? No!"
"It's brilliant, but what's your point?" the other guy asks.
"I shag a sheep just the once!" Cheers, Gumbold
 
This is Anfield said:
Two strangers sit next to each other in a pub. "So what's your problem mate?" asks one of them. " Well, you see this house?(showing a photobooklet), I designed and build it myself." "That's a beauty!" the others says. "Yeah, but do you think people call me an architect or a mason? No!
And look at this garden, designed and cultivated by myself.
Do you think people call me a gardendesigner or a gardener?
No! And then this fence, designed and forged by me, but you think they call me an artist or a blacksmith? No!"
"It's brilliant, but what's your point?" the other guy asks.
"I shag a sheep just the once!" Cheers, Gumbold
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Aaaaargh!!! <yikes>
 
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both." The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?" "Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
 
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Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 19 inches long!"
 
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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
 
This is Anfield said:
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I was raped in high school, in an upstairs bedroom with blue walls and a fish tank with no fish. Those are the details I remember best; while it was happening, I was trying to think about anything but what was happening. Afterwards, I was deeply, deeply ashamed. I became obsessed with making lists of things I could have done differently to prevent it; I filled an entire (secret) notebook with just these lists. I woke up abruptly almost every night to add something new: “If I had worn jeans instead of my pink skirt;” “If I had screamed”; “If I had stayed in and watched VH1 like I had originally thought I was going to.”
I was the kind of teenager who did well in school but dyed my hair pink—your typical Hot Topic poser. I had never been drunk; I had never tried drugs; I didn’t stay out late. I met the boy who raped me at a concert, and went over to his house afterwards on a whim. My mother would have never let me go if I had asked her permission, and I knew it. Going to his house felt like an enormous act of rebellion in and of itself. When he pushed me against the mattress and shoved my face down with his forearm, I was practically unsurprised. I’d seen after-school specials about this kind of thing. This was what I got for playing the rebel. And when I got pregnant, it felt like an appropriate and inevitable punishment.
I mentioned it to a new boyfriend a few months after it happened, but otherwise kept quiet about the rape. I didn’t even tell a therapist about it until after I had finished college. She did what therapists are supposed to do: she gently told me that it wasn’t my fault, and that it was normal to be reactionary around sex.
And I had become reactionary around sex. I started having to close my eyes and think about Mr. Rogers when I was having sex, which I know is weird, but it was all I could do to prevent myself from having panic attacks. Still, I was very annoyed with my therapist for saying this to me. Of COURSE it was my fault. The skirt! The not screaming! The pregnancy! She was just saying what she had to say because that was her job. She wasn’t willing to be honest with me: I had ****ed up. It was all my fault.
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I don't get it. Oh... And Mr Rodgers refers to an old-time children's tv presenter who used to wear a sweater and be a dork. Nothing to do with Brodge (not sure if you're aware of that).
 
Ted Bundy, the notorious serial killer, died and was greeted by Saint Peter. Peter told Bundy he must choose between three hells.

The first hell is very hot and Bundy saw a lot of people burning in fire. The next hell is freezing cold and he saw people shivering and clamoring. In the third hell, Bundy saw people standing in crap up to their waist but they looked quite happy. They were drinking a cup of coffee and were chatting with each other. So Bundy told Saint Peter, "I choose the third hell where all the people are standing in crap up to their waist."

So Peter admitted him to the third hell. Bundy then got a cup of coffee and felt quite comfortable. Suddenly, he heard a voice from a loud speaker saying, "Attention. Attention. Coffee break is over. It's time to stand on your head now."
 
A Dad sits down to eat a meal with his 2 sons, a venison stew. The oldest kid whispers to his dad "what meat is it? the dad replies "Deer". The dad turns to the youngest kid and says "do you know what meat this is?" the youngest replies no, the dad says "I'll give you a clue, sometimes you mum calls me this." the youngest screams " I'm not eating that it's a ****ING DICK!"
 
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luvgonzo said:
A Dad sits down to eat a meal with his 2 sons, a venison stew. The oldest kid whispers to his dad "what meat is it? the dad replies "Deer". The dad turns to the youngest kid and says "do you know what meat this is?" the youngest replies no, the dad says "I'll give you a clue, sometimes you mum calls me this." the youngest screams " I'm not eating that it's a ****ING DICK!"
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FFS <doh>
 
luvgonzo said:
Now this answers a question. <laugh>

Is it just the mods on here who get it?
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No. Its how re report spammers to the supermods <laugh>

A report on any board will be flagged up to Mick, supermods and that boards mods.
 
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