Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"
Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.
Q: When did Bill Clinton lose Paula Jones
A: During the De-briefing
Q: What is Bill Clinton favorite instrument?
A: A sexaphone!
Q: What do Monica Lewinski and a soda machine have in common?
A: They both say insert bill here!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached
Q: Why did Clinton bomb Iraq?
A: After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
A: They both heard a giant sucking sound
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a computer?
A: He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 300 women went down on the Titanic.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.
Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle
Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.
Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course
Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side
Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set
Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker
Q. What is Clinton's favorite food?
A. The Cumquat
Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver
Q. What's Clinton's favorite song?
A. Grooving
Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays
Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone
Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns.
Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."
Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He is trolling for interns.
Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)
Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market
Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
A. Tongue Twisters...
Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
A. Tongue Sandwich
Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking
Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
A. He knew she would be good at making things up.
Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.
Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
A. The Sear Sucker Suit
Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...
Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.
Q. What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
A. Both get scooped regularly.
Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
A. Hot with Whipped Cream
Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice
Q. What magazine does Clinton hate?
A. WIRED
Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
A. Don't Tripp!
Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
A. Tricky Dick
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally
Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.
Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.
Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!
Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'
Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
A. Come and get it.
Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.
Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?
A. To keep his ankles warm.
Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
A. So he could play that Hoarmonica
Q. Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. CHELSEA
Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush
Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. His lips are moving
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A. A dog chases his own tail
Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. U.S. Open
Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.
Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.
Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.
A: Fornigate.
Q: When did Bill Clinton lose Paula Jones
A: During the De-briefing
Q: What is Bill Clinton favorite instrument?
A: A sexaphone!
Q: What do Monica Lewinski and a soda machine have in common?
A: They both say insert bill here!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached
Q: Why did Clinton bomb Iraq?
A: After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
A: They both heard a giant sucking sound
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a computer?
A: He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 300 women went down on the Titanic.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.
Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle
Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.
Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course
Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side
Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set
Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker
Q. What is Clinton's favorite food?
A. The Cumquat
Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver
Q. What's Clinton's favorite song?
A. Grooving
Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays
Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone
Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns.
Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."
Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He is trolling for interns.
Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)
Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market
Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
A. Tongue Twisters...
Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
A. Tongue Sandwich
Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking
Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
A. He knew she would be good at making things up.
Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.
Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
A. The Sear Sucker Suit
Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...
Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.
Q. What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
A. Both get scooped regularly.
Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
A. Hot with Whipped Cream
Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice
Q. What magazine does Clinton hate?
A. WIRED
Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
A. Don't Tripp!
Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
A. Tricky Dick
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally
Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.
Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.
Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!
Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'
Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
A. Come and get it.
Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.
Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?
A. To keep his ankles warm.
Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
A. So he could play that Hoarmonica
Q. Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. CHELSEA
Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush
Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. His lips are moving
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A. A dog chases his own tail
Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. U.S. Open
Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.
Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.
Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.
S
Super G Ted'inho
Guest
How many times have you dragged that corpse out of the closet over the past few months?
This is what happens when your only source of jokes are your kids and Christmas crackers
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S
Super G Ted'inho
Guest
How many times have you dragged that corpse out of the closet over the past few months?
This is what happens when your only source of jokes are your kids and Christmas crackers
Kids jokes and Christmas crackers? Nope! [HASHTAG]#legendaryjoke[/HASHTAG]
I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.
I said, "Apparently, he said the 'c' word."
She said, "Well that wasn't clever was it?"
I replied, "No... It was '****'."
I said, "Apparently, he said the 'c' word."
She said, "Well that wasn't clever was it?"
I replied, "No... It was '****'."
How many men does it take to open a can of Stella?
None. It should be open by he time she brings it to the couch
None. It should be open by he time she brings it to the couch
i was listening to a radio talk show about the gay community when a text was sent in from someone saying. "i'm a gay man and i hate the phrase lgbt, i'm not transexual and should not be grouped with them just becacause i'm gay".
Homophobe!
Homophobe!
The jury in Max Clifford's trial was sent out last week, when they couldn't stop laughing at revelations about his impotence and abnormally small penis.
Where on earth do they find these people, who didn't know that Max Clifford is an inadequate little prick?
Where on earth do they find these people, who didn't know that Max Clifford is an inadequate little prick?
A Catholic saw the face of Jesus in his margarine. Wishing to share this miracle he called his neighbour, a man from Tibet, to come take a look. On seeing the site, the neighbour exclaimed,"I can't believe it's not Bhudda! "
A MAFIA ATTORNEYA Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
By Bill K.
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
By Bill K.
My favourite miracle is when Jesus tied his ass to a palm tree and walked into Jerusalem.
1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.
7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.
14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.
18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.
21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.
22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.
23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club.
24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.
7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.
14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.
18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.
21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.
22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.
23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club.
24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
