Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Manchester United's dressing room minutes before kick off in the derby;
"Right I want 110% effort from the word go against this blue ****. Remember the bastards did us on the anniversary of Munich. If you don't win, those cockney ****ers at Chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I don't care if you kick, punch or head-butt your way to victory, you must win this. Good luck."
Then Sir Alex walks in and says, "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here."
 
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Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself: Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they open
 
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"CIA agent requirments"
Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: "Here's a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her."
So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: "I tried, but I just can not do it."
The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.
Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,
"Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA," to which the man replies: "Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!"
 
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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
.
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
 
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A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, “Have you ever had any accidents?”

The cowboy repled, “No, no accidents.” Then, after a short pause he added “But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago.”

“Well!” replied the insurance agent, “Don’t you call those accidents?”

The cowboy replied, “No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!”
 
This is Anfield said:
A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, “Have you ever had any accidents?”

The cowboy repled, “No, no accidents.” Then, after a short pause he added “But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago.”

“Well!” replied the insurance agent, “Don’t you call those accidents?”

The cowboy replied, “No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!”
Click to expand...
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The Womaniser (Case No: 983645)
Defence Attorney:
What is your age?
Little old woman:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?
Little old woman:
I was sitting in my swing on the front porch on a warm spring day, when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little old woman:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little old woman:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little old woman:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little old woman:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little old woman:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little old woman:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little old woman:
Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel excited, and I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little old woman:
Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him... Take me young man...Take me!

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little old woman:
Hell no! He just yelled, April Fool.
And that's when I shot the little bastard.
 
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Mary was flying from Dublin, Ireland, to Chicago; she had a problem with her luggage so she asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It is unopened and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it because I cannot pay the 20% import duty. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' Said Mary.
When they got to the customs at O'Hare airport, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the customs officer said, 'Go ahead, Father'.
 
This is Anfield said:
Mary was flying from Dublin, Ireland, to Chicago; she had a problem with her luggage so she asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It is unopened and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it because I cannot pay the 20% import duty. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' Said Mary.
When they got to the customs at O'Hare airport, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the customs officer said, 'Go ahead, Father'.
Click to expand...

<yikes>
 
Joe comes home from work to find his wife Alice packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" Joe asked.
"I'm going to New York! I just heard that I can get $400 a night for doing what I do for with you for free." Alice replied
Joe then walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing his things.
"Where are you going?" Alice asked.
"I'm going to New York. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
 
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Angry husband sends sms to his mother-in-law "Your product is not cooking properly"

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A smart mother-in-law replied "Product sold seal opened, warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible.
 
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A little boy is crying in a Romford supermarket.

A man says to him, "What's up, son?"

The little boy replies, "I can't find mummy."

The man says, "What's mummy like?"

And the little boy replies, "Big Cocks and Bacardi Breezers."
 
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