Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
LFC fan progression
Optimism (august)
Realism (September)
Pessimism (October)
Alcoholism (november)
Optimism (august)
Realism (September)
Pessimism (October)
Alcoholism (november)
I was sitting in the pub the other day.
This nice looking bird walks up, takes a look at my beer belly and asks, "Is that Carlsberg or Tetleys?"
I told her, "There is a tap underneath, help yourself."
This nice looking bird walks up, takes a look at my beer belly and asks, "Is that Carlsberg or Tetleys?"
I told her, "There is a tap underneath, help yourself."
A man comes home from a long business trip and finds his son playing with an expensive toy.
"Who bought you that?" asks Dad.
"I did," replies the boy. "I bought it with the money I earned hiking."
"Hiking?" asks his father.
"Who pays anyone to go hiking?"
"Mr Jones next door," replies the boy.
"Every time he came around to see Mommy he gave me £5.00 and told me to take a hike."
"Who bought you that?" asks Dad.
"I did," replies the boy. "I bought it with the money I earned hiking."
"Hiking?" asks his father.
"Who pays anyone to go hiking?"
"Mr Jones next door," replies the boy.
"Every time he came around to see Mommy he gave me £5.00 and told me to take a hike."
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."
and the rest of us piss on the plane cos you have to run form one end of the **** hole to the other to get a connection! never again
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
A young Scot by the name of Alistair is celebrating his stag night in the local pub. The next day he is due to marry an English woman, Jane, in the local church where his parents were married.
Among the group is his dad, Alex.
Alex turns to his son and says, "now son, I have some advice for you, for tomorrow and for the future. We Scots are a proud nation and must retain our national identity"
Alistair nods, and anticipates some ribbing from the group for marrying, not only a southerner, but a Londoner.
His dad leans in and says, "after the wedding and the party - take your new wife to your hotel room - carry her over the threshold to show how strong you are and how strong Scotland is"
"Aye dad, no need to tell grandma how to suck eggs!" replies Alistair.
"Ach son, I av'nae finished" interrupts his father. He continues:
"throw her onto the bed and tear off your shirt - to show how handsome you are and how handsome Scotland is"
Grandpa Hamish, sat in the corner nursing a whiskey shouts out, "aye, and then start ****ing to show how independent Scotland is!"
Among the group is his dad, Alex.
Alex turns to his son and says, "now son, I have some advice for you, for tomorrow and for the future. We Scots are a proud nation and must retain our national identity"
Alistair nods, and anticipates some ribbing from the group for marrying, not only a southerner, but a Londoner.
His dad leans in and says, "after the wedding and the party - take your new wife to your hotel room - carry her over the threshold to show how strong you are and how strong Scotland is"
"Aye dad, no need to tell grandma how to suck eggs!" replies Alistair.
"Ach son, I av'nae finished" interrupts his father. He continues:
"throw her onto the bed and tear off your shirt - to show how handsome you are and how handsome Scotland is"
Grandpa Hamish, sat in the corner nursing a whiskey shouts out, "aye, and then start ****ing to show how independent Scotland is!"
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
A man was involved in a serious car crash. A policeman ran up to the car and asked him "are you seriously injured?"
The man replied "How the hell should I know. I'm a Doctor not a Solicitor"
The man replied "How the hell should I know. I'm a Doctor not a Solicitor"
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Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm an MP!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"