Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
 
A man has promised his French squeeze he'd cook up her favourite dish, escargot, to make up for his frequent and lengthy visits to his local hostelry. So he purchased some snails from his local foreign food market and decided to call in at his local for a flagon of frothing ale.

Unfortunately, as usual, one became many as he was once again seduced by the friendly atmosphere (clearly not The Cheese!), banter and flowing ethyl alcohol. Eventually closing time rolls around and he begrudgingly leaves, with his bag of snails, to face his inevitably infuriated Gallic girlfriend.

No sooner has he opened the gate leading up to his house when he sees, through the window, his missus storming to the front door. He quickly throws the bag of snails to the floor, before his furious spouse opens the door, and, when she flings the door open with fury written large on her expressive froggy face, the man says in a jolly voice:

"Come on, lads, nearly home!"
 
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband: My wife is missing, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: What is her height ?
Husband: No idea
Inspector: Slim or healthy ?.
Husband: Slim, so probably healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes ?
Husband: Never really noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure . It may have been a dress or maybe trousers and a top.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Type and colour of the car ? . . . . .
Husband: A silver Audi A8 with 4.2 litre V8 TDI engine generating 321 horse power teamed with a 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full adaptive LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….at this point, the husband starts crying.

Inspector: Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car...
 
A guy goes to the doctors to get results of extensive testing. The Doctor says he has good and bad news. The bad news is the tests showed that the guy has AIDS. However the good news is he also has Parkinsons so he may shake it off.
 
What do you call an Italian with a rubbe......

I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
 
I was once stung by a wasp . . . for £50!

Young girl of eight tragically loses her family in an automobile accident on a precipitous country lane. Luckily she was thrown clear of the wreckage, unhurt, but is alone and starts to cry. Eventually, a man finds her and she tearfully explains what has befallen her. The man just shakes his head sadly and drops his trousers, "It's not your lucky day, is it love?"

Anyone else ever wondered about the word 'therapist'? The rapist? 'da ****? Family the rapist? Psycho the rapist? Thanks, but no thanks. <yikes>
 
Took the missus for a romantic meal. We played footsie under the table.
I had a steak. She got toe'd in the hole.
 
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