Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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I felt quite sorry for that Brazilian goalkeeper. The last time a Brazilian faced that many shots, he was jumping over a ticket barrier at Stockwell tube station.
 
Luis Suarez cannot take a bite again because it's going to cost him a fortune.He asked the Ice dream man "Can I take a bite"?. The Ice cream man said "I am going to the Britsh Press" "I thought you are my friend" Suarez said.
 
A Family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mum, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
 
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says: "Thanks, I only need one copy."
 
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I have a very embarrassing problem"
"Don't worry about being embarrassed" says the Doctor, just show me what the problem is.
She lifts her skirt and she has two bright green marks on each inner upper thigh.
"Is your boyfriend a Gypsy" asks the Doctor
"Why yes" she replied "How did you know"
"Tell him his earring aren't gold" says the Doctor
 
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