Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Garlic Klopp

Garlic Klopp

Well-Known Member
May 22, 2012
17,247
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ex Liverpool now Shrewsbury
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150 or we can have her shipped back home for £5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend £5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost £150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"
 
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Two Latvian look at cloud

One see potato

Other see impossible dream

Is same cloud




Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.
 
Bring back Dribbles I say:

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile



And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"....but John came fifth and only won a toaster.



How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy
 
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An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession my child?" asks the priest.

"Erm...Confession? I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish" replies the man.

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"Because I'm telling absolutely everyone Father!"
 
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!
 
What's the best way to hurt a Frenchman?

Slam the toilet seat on his head while he's having a drink.



Where's the best place to hide money?

Under a Frenchmans soap.



What's the difference between a Frenchman and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast.


:D
 
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
4 year old kid in the bath with his Dad. The kid points to his Dad's hairy ballsack & says "what's that Daddy?"

A bit embarrassed his Dad says "well, errmmm, that's my hedgehog son"

The kid looks at it thoughtfully & says "it's got a ****ing massive cock Dad"
 
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French twat again.'
 
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How does a French man commit suicide?

Shoots 6" above his head, right into his superiority complex

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After God created France, he thought it was the most beautiful country in the world. People were going to get jealous, so, to make things fair, he decided to create the French.

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