Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Just got unfriended and blocked on Facebook by a French bloke. We were talking about sports history and he asked me who won the first Tour de France.

Apparently the 5th Panzer Division was the wrong answer!
 
God was bored and went missing for six days. The Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.
"What have You been up to?" he said.
"I've created the planet Earth and it will be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" said Gabriel.
God explained.
North America would be wealthy and South America would be poor.
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there a continent of black people."
God talked of different countries.
"That one will be hot and that one will be covered with ice."
Gabriel was impressed and pointed to an area in England and said:
"What's that?"
"Ah," said God.
"That is Portsmouth, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful lakes, streams, rivers and hills, great music, architecture, and sporting giants. The people from Portsmouth will be modest, intelligent and witty. They will be sociable, hard working and high achievers. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peace-makers."
Gabriel gasped in admiration, thought for a moment, and said: "But what about balance, God? You said there will be balance."
"Ah," said God, nodding sagely, "let me tell you about Southampton......."
 
The Queen once bought Prince Charles a fox fur hat but he never wore it. One day Charles said to her I’m going to Cannock tomorrow to open a new civic centre.

The Queen said wear the fox hat. Charles replied up in the midlands by Wolverhampton!
 
A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?"

"i cook better than you, madam."

"who said that?"

"Your husband did."

A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat.

"Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly.

"i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid.

With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?"

The maid answered, "no, the gardener did."

"Oh, so how much do you want?"
 
An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi
As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and on the last moment steered away so he didnt hit her. "what was that sound?" the driver asked. "you missed her, so i got her with my door"
 
A Priest, on his way to the monastry, gave to a lift to a Nun. After a while, the Nun crossed her legs, thereby exposing a hot thigh. As the Priest saw her thigh, he nearly lost control of the car. After he had got hold of himself, he reached out and placed a hand on the thigh. After a few seconds, the Nun said, "Remember Psalm so-and-so" (I've forgotten), and the Priest withdrew his hand, only to place it there again, as the Nun failed to cover her thigh. The Nun, again repeated her reference to the Psalms. The Priest withdrew his hand and apologised, saying, "I'm sorry, but the flesh is weak". In a short while, they got to the monastry, and the Nun got down with a heavy sigh, while the Priest rushed to his quarters to chech out the bible verse which said, "Seek further till you find glory".
 
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