Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.�
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer�
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.�
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.�
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.�
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.�
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.�
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.�
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.�
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.�
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.�
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.�
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.�
When chemists die, they barium.�
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.�
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.�
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.�
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.�
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?�
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.�
Broken pencils are pointless.�
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.�
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.�
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.�
Velcro - what a rip off!
 
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F*ck did your hair?"
 
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today..."
 
Just had a letter from the Herb and Spice company saying I owe them £100.

If I don't pay by tomorrow, they're sending the Bay Leaf’s around.
 
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Morris goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
Again he taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
 
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