Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

[kiwiqpr]

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

 

[kiwiqpr]

One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around eventually

 

[kiwiqpr]

I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome…

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

 

[kiwiqpr]

A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

 

[kiwiqpr]

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

 

[kiwiqpr]

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

 

[kiwiqpr]

I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet

But the thyme is cumin.

 

[kiwiqpr]

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.

We’re losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing.

 

[kiwiqpr]

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

 

[kiwiqpr]

I guess China finally got what they wanted

They managed to coronise the world.

 

[kiwiqpr]

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait.

Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

 

[kiwiqpr]

My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”

“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

 

[kiwiqpr]

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

 

[kiwiqpr]

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to. She doesn’t have one.

 

[kiwiqpr]

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

 

[kiwiqpr]

I thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture, but when I got home, the tables were turned

 

[kiwiqpr]

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

 

[kiwiqpr]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?”

“Pop”, goes the weasel.

 

[kiwiqpr]

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

 

[kiwiqpr]

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.