Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

 

One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around eventually

 

I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome…

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

 

A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

 

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

 

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

 

I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet

But the thyme is cumin.

 

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.

We’re losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing.

 

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

 

I guess China finally got what they wanted

They managed to coronise the world.

 

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait.

Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

 

My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”

“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

 

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

 

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to. She doesn’t have one.

 

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

 

I thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture, but when I got home, the tables were turned

 

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

 

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?”

“Pop”, goes the weasel.

 

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

 

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.