Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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I went into Sports Direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly:
"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.
On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, some anal beads and a gimp mask.
"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.
So, on Thursday, I went in and asked for some love eggs and a whip.
Always with the same reply.
Today as I went in, the assistant took me to one side and said. "Mate, you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the **** do you really want?"
I summoned up all my courage took a deep breath and said. "Can I have a Manchester Utd home shirt please?"
"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.
On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, some anal beads and a gimp mask.
"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.
So, on Thursday, I went in and asked for some love eggs and a whip.
Always with the same reply.
Today as I went in, the assistant took me to one side and said. "Mate, you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the **** do you really want?"
I summoned up all my courage took a deep breath and said. "Can I have a Manchester Utd home shirt please?"
A Yorkshire farm is walking across his land when he sees a man drinking from a stream.
He shouts across in his broad Yorkshire accent "Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinkin watta frm tha stream. Its full o hoss piss and Cow ****e"
The man Shouts back "I'm from London, can you speak alittle slower please"
The Farmer replies "If - you - use - two - Hands - you - wont - spill - any"
He shouts across in his broad Yorkshire accent "Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinkin watta frm tha stream. Its full o hoss piss and Cow ****e"
The man Shouts back "I'm from London, can you speak alittle slower please"
The Farmer replies "If - you - use - two - Hands - you - wont - spill - any"
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A drummer goes into a shop and says, "Can I have a Dunlop 0.78mm plectrum please?"
The guy behind the counter says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer says, "Yeah. How did you know?"
The guy says, "This is a chip shop."
The guy behind the counter says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer says, "Yeah. How did you know?"
The guy says, "This is a chip shop."
What crime is an egg most afraid of?What crime is an egg most afraid of?
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There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He isassigned to helpingthe other monks in copying the old canonsand laws of the church, byhand.
Henotices, however, that all of the monks arecopying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to questionthis, pointingout that if someone made even a smallerror in the first copy, itwould never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in allofthe subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copyingfrom the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
Hegoes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the originalmanuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vaultthat hasn'tbeen opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So,the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He seeshim banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"Wemissed the
R
We missed the
R
We missed the bloody
R
Hisforehead is all bloody and bruised and he iscrying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot,"What's wrong, father?"
Witha choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ....
CELEBRATE!"
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Henotices, however, that all of the monks arecopying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to questionthis, pointingout that if someone made even a smallerror in the first copy, itwould never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in allofthe subsequent copies.
You must log in or register to see images
The head monk, says, "We have been copyingfrom the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
You must log in or register to see images
Hegoes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the originalmanuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vaultthat hasn'tbeen opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
You must log in or register to see images
So,the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He seeshim banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"Wemissed the
R
We missed the
R
We missed the bloody
R
Hisforehead is all bloody and bruised and he iscrying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot,"What's wrong, father?"
Witha choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ....
You must log in or register to see images
CELEBRATE!"