Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Wife says to hubby on their wedding night”I’ve got a confession, I used to be a hooker”, hubby says “no problem, we’ve all got a past”. “Oh great” she said “my real name is Nigel & I played rugby for Wigan”

 

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What do you call Harvey Price covered in glue? Sticky black spastic.

Whar's pink and covered in cobwebs? Madeleine McCanns bike.

 

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If you leave a child in your car during this hot Glasgow weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag

 

I mean technically they could have, "I said maybe" is also a line in 'Live Forever'

 

Cute dog is a savage little ****
By
Quentin D Fortesqueue
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A survey of very cute little dogs has discovered that almost 99.9% of them are in fact savage little bastards.
The survey which was carried out by Which Pet magazine has proven conclusively that all little dogs with fluffy cute faces are in reality “psychotic double hard bastards.”
The first national survey of its kind found that really cute little dogs such as West Highland Terriers, Yorkies and Shih Tzus are all harbouring murderous grudges behind their cuddly facade.
Among the findings were that Bichon Frises would definitely eat alive any stranger who comes near their front gate if they were “just a little bit bigger.
Speaking on behalf of small fluffy dogs throughout the UK, Gordon, a four year old Lhasa Apso, said;
“You better watch out mother ****er or I am going to mess you up. Let me at em, let me at em…”

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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

 

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A bloke from Barnsley goes to a goldsmiths and asks, "Can tha mek us a gold statue of mi pet whippet?"
The goldsmith says 'of course I can, then asks: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
The man replies :"Nay ye daft lad....' chewin' a bone'll do fine."

 

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A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry
to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole
I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised.

She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."

 

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