Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
A Kangaroo Walks Into a Bar...
A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."
The bartender does not know how he said this or why
A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."
The bartender does not know how he said this or why
A man was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
The head doctors in a lunatic
The head doctors in a lunatic asylum have a meeting and decide that one of their patients is potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theater, there are `wet paint` signs pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited because they think he may be in touch with reality now. So they ask him: "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers: "So I`d be higher and have a better view."a
The head doctors in a lunatic asylum have a meeting and decide that one of their patients is potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theater, there are `wet paint` signs pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited because they think he may be in touch with reality now. So they ask him: "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers: "So I`d be higher and have a better view."a
Last edited:
My preferred version of this joke.
Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and dicides to climb into beb with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you've let your mummy down, but worst of all you've let yourself down.
Last edited:
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana.
I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana.
I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
The Mafia was looking for a new man
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were' protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter. The right-hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking abo ut." The main man pulls out a. 38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf collector signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain." The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to the thug, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were' protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter. The right-hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking abo ut." The main man pulls out a. 38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf collector signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just east of the big fountain." The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to the thug, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it.
The little boy calls out, "My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman says, "Yeah, that's great, kid", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.
The little boy calls out again, "My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush.
When he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. "I suppose your daddy has two of these too?" he asked.
"Nope," says the little boy, "but my daddy's is twice as big!"
The little boy calls out, "My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman says, "Yeah, that's great, kid", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.
The little boy calls out again, "My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush.
When he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. "I suppose your daddy has two of these too?" he asked.
"Nope," says the little boy, "but my daddy's is twice as big!"
You must log in or register to see images
Never rode Virgin Airlines, but I assume each flight lasts only three minutes and is terribly confusing and uncomfortable
Girl Goes in for Heart Surgery
A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What!?" and started crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."
A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What!?" and started crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."
"How the Owl Got Wise"by Mrs. Bortolot's Class
An owl was sitting on an old, rusted perch in a shining brass cage in the King's palace, wishing he were free. The King loved his owl, Beaut (b-e-u-t) so much that he made the people in Owl Land worship Beaut! The people were not pleased. But the King didn't listen. He kept on going about his business.
One day he decided to give the owl a gift for being so beautiful. The King made Beaut the wisest bird on earth. Now Beaut could see at night, talk, and fly so softly that you could not hear one feather rustle.
Beaut quickly said," I did not make myself so pretty, for the Lord in the highest skies made me. Same goes for everybody on the earth. No one should worship a bird. That goes for you too."
The King was amazed at this. Then he replied, "Nonsense. You are just an ignorant owl." Beaut had tricked the King. The King flew into a big fluster. "I never should have had a ridiculous owl in a cage as my pet!"
shouted the King.
"Then let me out of this rotten cage that has never been cleaned, never been polished." The King stared at the owl. He was speechless. A servant had come in, and was watching the whole time. "You said that I was a stupid owl. That means that I'm worthless. You might as well let me go." The King was shocked, but he couldn't admit he had spoken carelessly, so he let Beaut free. After, Beaut had a wife, then babies. The King then just knew that he had made the owl too wise. Back at the old tree Beaut's babies were as wise as their dad, and so were their babies, and so on.
An owl was sitting on an old, rusted perch in a shining brass cage in the King's palace, wishing he were free. The King loved his owl, Beaut (b-e-u-t) so much that he made the people in Owl Land worship Beaut! The people were not pleased. But the King didn't listen. He kept on going about his business.
One day he decided to give the owl a gift for being so beautiful. The King made Beaut the wisest bird on earth. Now Beaut could see at night, talk, and fly so softly that you could not hear one feather rustle.
Beaut quickly said," I did not make myself so pretty, for the Lord in the highest skies made me. Same goes for everybody on the earth. No one should worship a bird. That goes for you too."
The King was amazed at this. Then he replied, "Nonsense. You are just an ignorant owl." Beaut had tricked the King. The King flew into a big fluster. "I never should have had a ridiculous owl in a cage as my pet!"
shouted the King.
"Then let me out of this rotten cage that has never been cleaned, never been polished." The King stared at the owl. He was speechless. A servant had come in, and was watching the whole time. "You said that I was a stupid owl. That means that I'm worthless. You might as well let me go." The King was shocked, but he couldn't admit he had spoken carelessly, so he let Beaut free. After, Beaut had a wife, then babies. The King then just knew that he had made the owl too wise. Back at the old tree Beaut's babies were as wise as their dad, and so were their babies, and so on.