Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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They do tend to be weird cartoons on that site, but funny occasionally.
. I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a **** eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone 
. I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a **** eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone
Riiiiiiiiiiight
86,86,86
A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling' 86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."
The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"..
A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling' 86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."
The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"..
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
Breaking News - Toffees have signed Siggurdson as the Everton forwards asked to be serviced by a Gilf
A man was dining alone in a fancy
restaurant and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had
been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacked the nerve to talk with her.********************Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye
came flying out of its socket towards the
man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me
buy your dinner to make it up to you.'**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.*************************After paying for everything, she asked him
if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.************************The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!*************************'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . ..
She said ... .....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
restaurant and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had
been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacked the nerve to talk with her.********************Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye
came flying out of its socket towards the
man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me
buy your dinner to make it up to you.'**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.*************************After paying for everything, she asked him
if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.************************The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!*************************'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . ..
She said ... .....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Feefiphobia.
. I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a **** eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone
Hey?
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
How do you know when it's your sisters time of the month ?
Your Dads cock tastes different .....
Your Dads cock tastes different .....
Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
Me: "Tits."
Me: "Tits."
.The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.