Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Radio Klopp said:
The local female cat guarding her patch. Little does she know that she's actually protecting the wounded pigeon in my garage from the black tomcat that I interrupted mid-kill, if only she knew.

Now I'm not a big fan of pigeons, infact I despise them I think they're flying rats so this just compounds the whole irony of this story.


So this god damn stupid Pigeon flys straight into my son's bedroom window scaring the crap out of him then proceeds to wander round our garden attracting far too much unwanted attention from all the local predators of the 4 legged kind. He should really be dead. And I was quite willing to let nature take it's course had it not been for my wife's objections. Mr tomcat turns up, doesn't **** around and grabs him by the neck. As I stood there listening to my wife's pleas I thought intensely of the several outcomes of the situation as I knew I'd only seconds to make a decision.

**** it, I went out and broke up the scrap. The cat scarpers but so does Mr Dopey, you little ****er! I thought. Of course he's scared we're the ones that come screaming at him if he doesn't stop eating the birdseed we've left out for the little ones. So that was that, back inside, another beer, some tunes and and and then the ****in' cat comes back with the pigeon in it's mouth, **** sake. Our garden is fenced off so he can't drag him away so I go out again and split them up. By this stage Mr pigeon is pretty roughed up and I'm wondering if he's still alive but he winks at me to let me know he's OK. So I need to get him into my garage away from danger if he's going to survive but the problem is it's locked and the key's in the house. It will only take seconds I thought he'll be fine. As I walk away I hear the thud of the cat's feet on the ground behind the bushes, I look under the tree line and he's there glaring at me as if to say, hands off, he's mine! I rush forward to scare him off but he makes a half hearted effort in leaving. He doesn't even jump up onto the fence hoping I'll walk away again so I come in close making plenty of noise forcing him up and out of the garden.

Now is my chance I thought so I ran into the house for the key and rushed back out again. Gloves on, basket out, bosh! In he goes and I drop him on the garage floor, there's still plenty of fight in him as I struggle to settle him so I let him flap for a bit and then he calms down. As I stood there assessing the situation Mr Tomcat turned up once again. By this stage I knew Mr dopey bollocks was safe but I was also intrigued to see just how far Mr Tomcat would push his luck so I didn't scare him away. I just made eye contact and stood motionless.

First he glared as before then he began to ignore my stare and advanced slowly in a zigzag while all the time sniffing and looking for clues. He knew I'd moved him but he couldn't see where I'd put him, the garage door was facing away from the garden so he couldn't see him.

I let him walk around for a bit to see how committed he really was but I closed the garage door just incase. Just as I was readjusting my thoughts on the realisation that I was going to have to protect this bloody flying rat, our neighbour's feline turns up and ****s Mr Tomcat right out of it.

So this is where I'm at, I need a another beer.
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Click to expand...

This deserved it's own thread ala rhc and the snail.

In fact it could have saved the summer
 
moreinjuredthanowen said:
This deserved it's own thread ala rhc and the snail.

In fact it could have saved the summer
Click to expand...

Yep, looking back now this was the wrong thread to post my tale on. It didn't end well either, unfortunately he didn't survive.

I took him to the vets this morning and they told me his injuries were too severe to try and save him.

That's life.
 
Small change

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.


The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

“Fifty pence!” replied the sailor.
 
Radio Klopp said:
Yep, looking back now this was the wrong thread to post my tale on. It didn't end well either, unfortunately he didn't survive.

I took him to the vets this morning and they told me his injuries were too severe to try and save him.

That's life.
Click to expand...

All that hassle and outcome was the same as if you'd just let the cat have the pigeon.
 
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
 
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God
> looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I
> must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks
> Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks
> God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying
> true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I
> always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see
> the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
> Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
>
> Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are
> the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too,
> have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true
> patriot and a loyal American."
> God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he
> offers her a seat to his right.
> Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
> believe?"
> Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
 
Adopt A Terrorist -This is BRILLIANT ! '

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE IN THE CURRENT USA OR UK CHAIN-OF-COMMAND COMPOSING SUCH A BRILLIANT RESPONSE!!
Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss

The Canadians know how to handle complaints.

Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive
insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists capturedby Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held byAfghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleasedto learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department ofNational Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place themin homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detaineehas been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demandedin your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standardsof care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problemsas mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however,westrongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent,but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common householdproducts, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terroristis extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take himwhile helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property,thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that hewill recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficultiesyou encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our joband care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence
 
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