Went to a party at the bulimia society last night
place was heaving
place was heaving
Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
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There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.
He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.
This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.
"What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing."
"Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea."
"Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like..."
"Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea."
"Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to..."
"Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia."
"Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?"
"Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!"
He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.
This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.
"What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing."
"Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea."
"Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like..."
"Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea."
"Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to..."
"Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia."
"Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?"
"Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!"
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That
evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to
let the County bury her!"
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That
evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to
let the County bury her!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand
cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?"
asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I
must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them..."
cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?"
asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I
must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them..."
A shepherd was looking for a lost sheep, after a couple hours he found it stuck in some briar bushes and covered with mud. He rescued the sheep. After several slanderous remarks about the muddy dumb sheep, the sheep blurted out, "What are you griping about, I almost drowned in the pond?" Shocked at hearing the Sheep speak, the Shepherd asked the sheep why he was in the pond in the first place, "Don't you know sheep can't swim?", We were not swimming, we were wallowing in mud and I stepped into, a deep hole?" "Who is we?" the Shepherd asked. "Me and the pig?" The sheep replied. "Why on earth would you wallow in mud?" asked the Shepherd. "Well the pig said it would make me cooler, I was getting hot." The shepherd asked the sheep where the pig was. The sheep replied. "He went back to the barn." So the Shepherd put the sheep on his shoulders and began his trip back to the barn. He did not own a pig, and he planned to take the pig to task for the mud wallowing incident. The next day the shepherd?s rich neighbor a farmer came by and inquired if the shepherd had seen his pig. Soon the Shepherd began telling the rich farmer about the sheep and pig story, and demanded compensation for the incident caused by the farmer's pig." The farmer expressed his doubts to the Shepherd, whereupon the Sheep blurted out "He's right, it was your pig that did it." Just then the rich farmer realized that this was a talking sheep. He thought to himself, "I can make millions with a talking sheep. He stopped the discussion and asked if the shepherd would take £500 for the sheep. The shepherd replied that he would consider the sale on an as is basis, no guarantees. The farmer then bought the sheep and the trade was done. The shepherd turned and as he walked away the farmer heard him say "Well that's one less diseased and dying sheep I have to worry about, Your pig said he was full of **** anyway."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers";
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers";
Little Jonny grew up in Wyoming and all his life he wanted to work in the big city. When he was eighteen he got a job as an apprentice in a funeral parlour in London When he returned home for the holidays his family were eager to know of his experiences in London, so he told them a story.
"My boss Mr. Clark is the kindest, cleverest man in the world!" Jonny began. "Just the other day we got a call from a large hotel. Two customers had died during the night and they wanted us to remove the bodies without too much of a fuss. Mr. Clark took me along and we got the room number from reception. We went up in the elevator, and the door was already open. We saw two bodies in the middle of the bed still intertwined from the act of lovemaking. We tried to pull them apart but they wouldn't budge. Mr. Clark stepped back and announced that he had an idea. He picked up his cane and inserted it between the man and woman. They came apart with a moist slapping sound."
"I'll bet that solved the situation smartly", interrupted the father. "Well it turned out that we had the wrong room, but..."
"My boss Mr. Clark is the kindest, cleverest man in the world!" Jonny began. "Just the other day we got a call from a large hotel. Two customers had died during the night and they wanted us to remove the bodies without too much of a fuss. Mr. Clark took me along and we got the room number from reception. We went up in the elevator, and the door was already open. We saw two bodies in the middle of the bed still intertwined from the act of lovemaking. We tried to pull them apart but they wouldn't budge. Mr. Clark stepped back and announced that he had an idea. He picked up his cane and inserted it between the man and woman. They came apart with a moist slapping sound."
"I'll bet that solved the situation smartly", interrupted the father. "Well it turned out that we had the wrong room, but..."
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
At a party, the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers.
Then her husband got an idea. He turned to the crowd of the guests and said, "Will everyone from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About 20 people stood.
Then he asked, "Will everyone from the groom's side of the family stand up please?"
About 25 people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will everyone who stood please LEAVE... This is a 'Birthday Party'!!!"
Then her husband got an idea. He turned to the crowd of the guests and said, "Will everyone from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About 20 people stood.
Then he asked, "Will everyone from the groom's side of the family stand up please?"
About 25 people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will everyone who stood please LEAVE... This is a 'Birthday Party'!!!"
Got pulled over by the police last night.
He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints up the pub and feel a bit pissed."
He said, "That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"
He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints up the pub and feel a bit pissed."
He said, "That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holdingher hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down thereis 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"