Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
Bragging About Son Joke
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone £200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone £200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Subject: car buying the senior way
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad,
Once again.... don't mess with seniors!
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad,
Once again.... don't mess with seniors!
"Is your mother home?" the
salesman asked
a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.
"Yeah, she's
home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The
salesman
rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.
Still
no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I
thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but
this isn't where I live.
salesman asked
a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.
"Yeah, she's
home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The
salesman
rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.
Still
no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I
thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but
this isn't where I live.
Reminds me of the Peter Sellers "does your dog bite" line from the Pink Panther films.
A redneck decides that he has the perfect plan to get rich. He's going to drive up to the rich side of town, and become a handyman. He hops into his truck and drives over to the affluent section of town, finds an expensive looking house and knocks on the door.
An old man answers the door, and asks "Can I help you?"
Redneck says: “I'm a handyman, do you have anything that needs fixing?"
Old man replies: “The porch could use some paint, how much would you charge me to paint it?" Redneck thinks for a minute and says: “£50.00 is the least that I could do it for". Old man says: “that's a fair price, the paint is in the garage. When you finish, come around to the back of the house and get your money. My wife and I will be sitting by the pool".
The redneck shows up about 30 minutes later, stating that he has finished painting.
The old man says; that was a quick job. Redneck says: “I had some paint left over and decided to give it two coats." The old man reaches into his wallet and gives the redneck £50.00. As the redneck takes the money, he tells the old man "Just so you will know … That's not a porch!."
The old man looks at him kind of funny, and the redneck says: “I looked at it real close, it’s a Ferrari
An old man answers the door, and asks "Can I help you?"
Redneck says: “I'm a handyman, do you have anything that needs fixing?"
Old man replies: “The porch could use some paint, how much would you charge me to paint it?" Redneck thinks for a minute and says: “£50.00 is the least that I could do it for". Old man says: “that's a fair price, the paint is in the garage. When you finish, come around to the back of the house and get your money. My wife and I will be sitting by the pool".
The redneck shows up about 30 minutes later, stating that he has finished painting.
The old man says; that was a quick job. Redneck says: “I had some paint left over and decided to give it two coats." The old man reaches into his wallet and gives the redneck £50.00. As the redneck takes the money, he tells the old man "Just so you will know … That's not a porch!."
The old man looks at him kind of funny, and the redneck says: “I looked at it real close, it’s a Ferrari
My mate is flogging Welsh DVD's. Anyone want any?
He's got:
Nine and a Half Leeks
Trefforest Gump
The Lost Boyos
Dai Hard
Sheepless in Seattle
Dai's of Thunder
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
Welsh Star Wars with R2 DAI 2,Taff Vader,Sheepbaka,Leek Skywalker...
and of course, the classic, The Sheepshag Redemption.......
He's got:
Nine and a Half Leeks
Trefforest Gump
The Lost Boyos
Dai Hard
Sheepless in Seattle
Dai's of Thunder
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
Welsh Star Wars with R2 DAI 2,Taff Vader,Sheepbaka,Leek Skywalker...
and of course, the classic, The Sheepshag Redemption.......
A handyman, who was working for a synagogue in Allentown, PA, asked for a raise and was flatly refused. So, he quit his job and went out searching for work.
First, he went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.
The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out.
He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked.
"Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out.
As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking for him. "I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has approved your raise. Please, come back immediately."
"I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you answer one question. Where was Jesus born?"
"Bethlehem," the rabbi replied.
"Aha!" cried the handyman. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania!"
First, he went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.
The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out.
He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked.
"Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out.
As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking for him. "I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has approved your raise. Please, come back immediately."
"I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you answer one question. Where was Jesus born?"
"Bethlehem," the rabbi replied.
"Aha!" cried the handyman. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania!"
I can see some traces of "yanks" in your blood veinThat's about as yank as it can get. Shocker
.
I can see some traces of "yanks" in your blood vein
In that case, you should have gone to ****ing Specsavers
I can see some traces of "yanks" in your blood vein
He spells racquet 'racket'.
Definitely a yank.
Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination
A hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window.
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window.
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
Last edited:
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'Evening Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid sod.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a f*cking liar'
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'Evening Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid sod.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a f*cking liar'
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
The local female cat guarding her patch. Little does she know that she's actually protecting the wounded pigeon in my garage from the black tomcat that I interrupted mid-kill, if only she knew.
Now I'm not a big fan of pigeons, infact I despise them I think they're flying rats so this just compounds the whole irony of this story.
So this god damn stupid Pigeon flys straight into my son's bedroom window scaring the crap out of him then proceeds to wander round our garden attracting far too much unwanted attention from all the local predators of the 4 legged kind. He should really be dead. And I was quite willing to let nature take it's course had it not been for my wife's objections. Mr tomcat turns up, doesn't **** around and grabs him by the neck. As I stood there listening to my wife's pleas I thought intensely of the several outcomes of the situation as I knew I'd only seconds to make a decision.
**** it, I went out and broke up the scrap. The cat scarpers but so does Mr Dopey, you little ****er! I thought. Of course he's scared we're the ones that come screaming at him if he doesn't stop eating the birdseed we've left out for the little ones. So that was that, back inside, another beer, some tunes and and and then the ****in' cat comes back with the pigeon in it's mouth, **** sake. Our garden is fenced off so he can't drag him away so I go out again and split them up. By this stage Mr pigeon is pretty roughed up and I'm wondering if he's still alive but he winks at me to let me know he's OK. So I need to get him into my garage away from danger if he's going to survive but the problem is it's locked and the key's in the house. It will only take seconds I thought he'll be fine. As I walk away I hear the thud of the cat's feet on the ground behind the bushes, I look under the tree line and he's there glaring at me as if to say, hands off, he's mine! I rush forward to scare him off but he makes a half hearted effort in leaving. He doesn't even jump up onto the fence hoping I'll walk away again so I come in close making plenty of noise forcing him up and out of the garden.
Now is my chance I thought so I ran into the house for the key and rushed back out again. Gloves on, basket out, bosh! In he goes and I drop him on the garage floor, there's still plenty of fight in him as I struggle to settle him so I let him flap for a bit and then he calms down. As I stood there assessing the situation Mr Tomcat turned up once again. By this stage I knew Mr dopey bollocks was safe but I was also intrigued to see just how far Mr Tomcat would push his luck so I didn't scare him away. I just made eye contact and stood motionless.
First he glared as before then he began to ignore my stare and advanced slowly in a zigzag while all the time sniffing and looking for clues. He knew I'd moved him but he couldn't see where I'd put him, the garage door was facing away from the garden so he couldn't see him.
I let him walk around for a bit to see how committed he really was but I closed the garage door just incase. Just as I was readjusting my thoughts on the realisation that I was going to have to protect this bloody flying rat, our neighbour's feline turns up and ****s Mr Tomcat right out of it.
So this is where I'm at, I need a another beer.
Now I'm not a big fan of pigeons, infact I despise them I think they're flying rats so this just compounds the whole irony of this story.
So this god damn stupid Pigeon flys straight into my son's bedroom window scaring the crap out of him then proceeds to wander round our garden attracting far too much unwanted attention from all the local predators of the 4 legged kind. He should really be dead. And I was quite willing to let nature take it's course had it not been for my wife's objections. Mr tomcat turns up, doesn't **** around and grabs him by the neck. As I stood there listening to my wife's pleas I thought intensely of the several outcomes of the situation as I knew I'd only seconds to make a decision.
**** it, I went out and broke up the scrap. The cat scarpers but so does Mr Dopey, you little ****er! I thought. Of course he's scared we're the ones that come screaming at him if he doesn't stop eating the birdseed we've left out for the little ones. So that was that, back inside, another beer, some tunes and and and then the ****in' cat comes back with the pigeon in it's mouth, **** sake. Our garden is fenced off so he can't drag him away so I go out again and split them up. By this stage Mr pigeon is pretty roughed up and I'm wondering if he's still alive but he winks at me to let me know he's OK. So I need to get him into my garage away from danger if he's going to survive but the problem is it's locked and the key's in the house. It will only take seconds I thought he'll be fine. As I walk away I hear the thud of the cat's feet on the ground behind the bushes, I look under the tree line and he's there glaring at me as if to say, hands off, he's mine! I rush forward to scare him off but he makes a half hearted effort in leaving. He doesn't even jump up onto the fence hoping I'll walk away again so I come in close making plenty of noise forcing him up and out of the garden.
Now is my chance I thought so I ran into the house for the key and rushed back out again. Gloves on, basket out, bosh! In he goes and I drop him on the garage floor, there's still plenty of fight in him as I struggle to settle him so I let him flap for a bit and then he calms down. As I stood there assessing the situation Mr Tomcat turned up once again. By this stage I knew Mr dopey bollocks was safe but I was also intrigued to see just how far Mr Tomcat would push his luck so I didn't scare him away. I just made eye contact and stood motionless.
First he glared as before then he began to ignore my stare and advanced slowly in a zigzag while all the time sniffing and looking for clues. He knew I'd moved him but he couldn't see where I'd put him, the garage door was facing away from the garden so he couldn't see him.
I let him walk around for a bit to see how committed he really was but I closed the garage door just incase. Just as I was readjusting my thoughts on the realisation that I was going to have to protect this bloody flying rat, our neighbour's feline turns up and ****s Mr Tomcat right out of it.
So this is where I'm at, I need a another beer.
You must log in or register to see images