Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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It's a bit of a tradition to have the reigning monarch's head on coinage, I thought they might have changed things and was hoping for one of the Beckham's just to appease the youngsters, but it was not to be.
Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!”
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!”
Emergency Room A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone cheered
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone cheered
You've heard the tale of Robin Hood And how he did the poor people good But there is more to this famous story Of Sherwood Forests pride and glory
At night when all the robbing was done The merry men would have some fun In fact it would be fair to say The merry men were rather gay
As Little John starts to unwind Robin took him from behind And as they frolic in the grass Robin rammed it up his ass
One night when they were all at play A gorgeous maiden came their way She sauntered up to Friar Tuck And said I'm Marion wanna ****
The Friar couldn't believe his ears She's offering sex to us old queers While he recovered from the shock Robin presented her with his cock
Marion clothes were off in a flash The merry men all had a bash For Marion this was all sheer bliss As they filled her every orifice
When it was done she gave a whine Thank you boys for a lovely time But for the pleasure you must pay I've got the pox now have a nice day
Now listen here said Friar Tuck We don't really give a **** The laughs on you you stupid cow We've all got aids so who's ****ed now!
At night when all the robbing was done The merry men would have some fun In fact it would be fair to say The merry men were rather gay
As Little John starts to unwind Robin took him from behind And as they frolic in the grass Robin rammed it up his ass
One night when they were all at play A gorgeous maiden came their way She sauntered up to Friar Tuck And said I'm Marion wanna ****
The Friar couldn't believe his ears She's offering sex to us old queers While he recovered from the shock Robin presented her with his cock
Marion clothes were off in a flash The merry men all had a bash For Marion this was all sheer bliss As they filled her every orifice
When it was done she gave a whine Thank you boys for a lovely time But for the pleasure you must pay I've got the pox now have a nice day
Now listen here said Friar Tuck We don't really give a **** The laughs on you you stupid cow We've all got aids so who's ****ed now!
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats.
A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
A lady from the local government was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA
After being married for a few years, a man finds that he is no longer able to perform. He goes to his doctor who suggests a few things for him to try, but nothing works. Finally, the doctor tells him it's all in his mind and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I'm at a total loss as to how you can possibly be cured," and refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "Certainly, I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. Suddenly there is a flash of billowing blue smoke. "This is very powerful healing," says the witch doctor, "but I must warn you, you will only be able to use it once a year. All you must do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."
"What happens when it's over?" he asks the witch doctor.
"Then, all you must do is say '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. Do be warned though, it will not work again for another year."
That night the man is ready to surprise his wife with his good news. As he's laying next to her in bed, he says "1-2-3" and immediately gets an erection.
Turning over towards him, his wife asks, "What did you say '1-2-3 for?"
After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I'm at a total loss as to how you can possibly be cured," and refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "Certainly, I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. Suddenly there is a flash of billowing blue smoke. "This is very powerful healing," says the witch doctor, "but I must warn you, you will only be able to use it once a year. All you must do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."
"What happens when it's over?" he asks the witch doctor.
"Then, all you must do is say '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. Do be warned though, it will not work again for another year."
That night the man is ready to surprise his wife with his good news. As he's laying next to her in bed, he says "1-2-3" and immediately gets an erection.
Turning over towards him, his wife asks, "What did you say '1-2-3 for?"
Disecting the joke.
I know what the joke is implying... But he never said 1,2,3,4; his wife did. When the witch doctor said 1,2,3 he didn't get hard so presumably he would have to say the numbers for them to work.
For sounds like 4, and the bloody thing was soft.
Yes everyone got that For sounds like 4.
But as Milk said, the Man never said 1-2-3-4, instead said 1-2-3... Thus he never got an erection to begin with. That will be until his wife said 1-2-3-for(4).
No, the man got an erection because he said "1,2,3"
He never went soft because he never said the flaccid code: "1,2,3,4". The woman said that.
He has to say the words to get hard/soft. Or he would have got hard/soft when the witch doctor was explaining it to him.
My mistake misread the joke.
So your assertion is that the man himself must say the words for the 'spell' to work. So the woman saying the 1234 does nothing.
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That's one explanation of why it got soft. I assume an erect penis would go flaccid after you cut it off and all the blood ran out.
Its certainly bloody anyway. i was going to be crude and wonder if she was on the rag but thought better of it.