Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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Milk moves to a remote area of the USA after six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Milk, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Milk. "After 25 years in the computer business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again." says Milk
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Lars.
"Now that's really not a problem," says Milk, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us." Says Lars
his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Milk, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Milk. "After 25 years in the computer business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again." says Milk
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Lars.
"Now that's really not a problem," says Milk, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us." Says Lars
My son was told he could not go back to school today. I asked him why
He said "One of the girls in class ****ed me off"
I said "for god's sake this is the third school this has happened in, I just don't think you have a career in teaching"
He said "One of the girls in class ****ed me off"
I said "for god's sake this is the third school this has happened in, I just don't think you have a career in teaching"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A miner in africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate i'm ****ed ,who will want a one legged gold digger?
His mate says "try Paul McCartney"
His mate says "try Paul McCartney"
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
and barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”
The owner responds,
.
"Genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
and barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”
The owner responds,
.
"Genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Our pet budgie Gordon broke both his legs yesterday when he fell off his perch.
So, I carefully fixed them up using a couple of matches as splints.
All was going well when I left him shuffling round the cage until I noticed a strong smell of burning feathers and remembered that his cage was lined with sandpaper.
A lesson learnt.
RIP Gordon.
So, I carefully fixed them up using a couple of matches as splints.
All was going well when I left him shuffling round the cage until I noticed a strong smell of burning feathers and remembered that his cage was lined with sandpaper.
A lesson learnt.
RIP Gordon.
I cannot stand these people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Eddy is brilliant.
He had a bad accident where he lost his
voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it?
No, he doesn't.
My mate Eddy is brilliant.
He had a bad accident where he lost his
voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it?
No, he doesn't.
A blonde woman ran into a police station wailing. She claimed that she had been raped.
After she stopped sobbing, the Police Officer requested her for a description of the rapist.
"He was tall and dressed in white. He was wearing all sorts of protective pads, gloves and helmet."
"Hmmm...appears to be a cricketer," concluded the policeman.
"Ah officer!" she confirmed, "then he must have been an English cricketer."
"What makes you think that he was English? From the accent?" asked the officer.
"No sir," she replied, "he just didn't stay in very long."
After she stopped sobbing, the Police Officer requested her for a description of the rapist.
"He was tall and dressed in white. He was wearing all sorts of protective pads, gloves and helmet."
"Hmmm...appears to be a cricketer," concluded the policeman.
"Ah officer!" she confirmed, "then he must have been an English cricketer."
"What makes you think that he was English? From the accent?" asked the officer.
"No sir," she replied, "he just didn't stay in very long."
Libertarians vs. Anarchists
What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians?
What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians?
- Libertarians are anarchists with money.
- Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
- Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
- Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
- Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
- Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
- Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
- A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
- Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
- Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
- Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.
- Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.
- Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
Libertarian party isn't really Libertarian in the US. It's just a party for right wingers who don't think the government lets them abuse other people enough it isn't really Libertarian although it used to be a lot closer to real libertarianism before it became populated with unsatisfied teabaggers who think Republicans arnt extreme enough. They ruined the Libertarian party.
I have voted libertarian in the distant past but nowadays it's just another far right looney party.
I think you've nailed it there.
I think libertarians are very swedish anyway. no wonder you liked them.
when people say oh no income tax are they libertarian or just rich people who want to avoid tax.....