Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them ****ers, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase. The wife of the Manor decided to discuss this with the maid, she asked: Wife: "Now Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay rise?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are 3 reason. The first reason is I iron better than juuu." Wife: "Oh really? Well...How do you know whether you can iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor husband, he say so." Wife, agitated: "Oh did he now?" Maria: "Yes Señora. He also say, I am better cook than you." Wife, raged: "Oh really? How dare he!" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better in bed than juuu." Wife, hitting the roof: "Did my husband tell you this too? That ****ing bastard!!!" <gr><gr><gr> Maria: "No Señora....The gardener told me." Wife: "How much do you want?"
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,'Open the vault skank'. The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'. The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your ****ing head off'. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'. The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'. The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your ****ing head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'. The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your ****ing head off'. So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that ****ing dificult is it'.
A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chowder back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
