Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Jigsawklopp said:
A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most Frenchman would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.
“No”, I admitted.
“Then that explains”, she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”
Click to expand...

French **** <ok>
 
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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
 
A deer hunter who was an atheist was out in the woods when suddenly a 1,000-pound deer stepped out. “Good God!” exclaimed the hunter. Suddenly, a voice from Heaven said, “I thought you don’t believe in me.” The hunter replied, “Up until now I didn’t believe in 1,000-pound deer either.”
 
LAWYERS TOMBSTONE
A lawyer named Strange died,
and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe
on his tombstone,
"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription
would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would
inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone
and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
 
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
 
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One night, God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"

God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."

"What is Hell like?" he asks.

"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."
 
For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.

This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.

Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go.

Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.

‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’

‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom.
On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes.
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want.
So here I am.
 
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Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts there.
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
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Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a **** in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this. Why??" She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the mop out again!!"
 
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A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said: "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
 
A blonde goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

She touches her forehead with her finger and says “My head hurts here, ouch”.

She touches her leg with her finger and says “My leg hurts here, ouch”.

Everywhere I touch, it hurts doctor.

The doctor looks over the blonde for a second.

Doctor: Your finger is broken.
 
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ''Well, why is that, sir?'' The doctor answered, "The men's brains cost more, for they have never been used."
 
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
  • The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
  • The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

















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