Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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Personally, I'm offended that a *****phile joke is on here. *****philia is no laughing matter.
Is it offensive to your kind?
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work. -
A bloke walked in from work to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her minge.
"Oh for ****'s sake, you tart!" he said. "Have some ****ing dignity about yourself and at least use a ****ing dildo or something."
"Oh piss off, " she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"
"Oh for ****'s sake, you tart!" he said. "Have some ****ing dignity about yourself and at least use a ****ing dildo or something."
"Oh piss off, " she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”
A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
Brummie walks into a tailors.
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please
There were 5 people in an aeroplane and they were the worlds smartest man, the worlds richest man, the pilot, an old man and a little boy.
There dilemma was that the plane was crashing towards earth but there were only 4 parachutes.
So they started to argue who would get a chute the worlds smartest man said, 'I get a parachute because I have many more things to discover. ' and so he grabbed a chute and jumped, then the worlds richest man said he had many more things to buy and so he jumped with a chute, the pilot said that he had many more planes to fly and he also grabbed a chute and jumped, now there was only the old man and the little boy with only one parachute left.
The old man said to the little boy 'you go I've lived a longer life and after everything I've done I deserve to die.'
The little boy said 'Thats okay because the worlds smartest man took my back pack.'
There dilemma was that the plane was crashing towards earth but there were only 4 parachutes.
So they started to argue who would get a chute the worlds smartest man said, 'I get a parachute because I have many more things to discover. ' and so he grabbed a chute and jumped, then the worlds richest man said he had many more things to buy and so he jumped with a chute, the pilot said that he had many more planes to fly and he also grabbed a chute and jumped, now there was only the old man and the little boy with only one parachute left.
The old man said to the little boy 'you go I've lived a longer life and after everything I've done I deserve to die.'
The little boy said 'Thats okay because the worlds smartest man took my back pack.'
A man was driving his wife home after a night out when they stopped by the police.
“Did you know you were speeding, sir?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding” replied the driver.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife. “You’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle. “And did you know your brake light is broken, sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken” replied the driver.
Again the wife interrupted. “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize with the driver. “Does she always talk to you like this?”
“Only when he’s drunk” said the wife.
“Did you know you were speeding, sir?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding” replied the driver.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife. “You’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle. “And did you know your brake light is broken, sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken” replied the driver.
Again the wife interrupted. “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize with the driver. “Does she always talk to you like this?”
“Only when he’s drunk” said the wife.
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"
The patient shook his doctor's hand
in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would
not
want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you
to know
that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very
kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, "May I
see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a
little
change..."
in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would
not
want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you
to know
that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very
kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, "May I
see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a
little
change..."
Today is International Women's Day. It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get ready.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most Frenchman would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.
“No”, I admitted.
“Then that explains”, she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”
When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.
“No”, I admitted.
“Then that explains”, she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”
A stuffy lady is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a huge fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:"Sir! Please stop that immediately.""Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed?"