Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
 
1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book

2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)

3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010

4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book

5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)

6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show

7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)

8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)

10. “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies: The Complete Collection(DVD)

11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2014

12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011

13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show

14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006

15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010

16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart, from My, What I Call, Live Show (DVD)

17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show

18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)

19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine, from The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe
 
Red Hadron Collider said:
1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book

2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)

3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010

4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book

5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)

6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show

7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)

8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)

10. “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies: The Complete Collection(DVD)

11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2014

12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011

13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show

14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006

15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010

16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart, from My, What I Call, Live Show (DVD)

17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show

18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)

19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine, from The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe
Click to expand...

I give up, which one is the funny one?
 
Ode to Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Author unknown
 
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life. After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper. A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately. On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy. When she entered the room she stood steal... She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room. "But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked. "Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch.
 
Trucker, Lawyer, and A Priest
Trucker would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”
 
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
 
The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.
The grave digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”
The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.
The grave digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”
The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her.”
 
kiwiqpr said:
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Click to expand...

Was he Irish? <whistle>
 


Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you s**t your pants?''
''Hell no,'' Jeff said.
They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you s**t your pants, Jeff?''
''I swear to the God almighty I did not s**t my pants,'' Jeff said.
So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't s**t your pants?!''
''I didn't.'' Jeff said. ''They're your pants.''
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
A guy walks in to the
Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I
want it going
with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other,
and just
make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why
in
the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says, "That's
how you cut it last time"

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault!!!
 
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