After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.” “Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
Why was Adam Johnson confused about the result of his courtcase? Because he expected her to go down after getting touched in the box. (Made that one myself)
A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on". She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13". Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?". She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm so sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, and waiting. Making love, they found themselves in the 69 position. Moments later, her husband felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he reached over, grabbed the starter pistol and fired it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?” The man answered, “Not all that well…when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we, as a society, have come in equality. And then I wait for the next bus.
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING! A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying,"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." She didn't jump.........
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied. Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?""And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn andwould ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizingthe Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment . .. . .. .. ... ..........Father O'Malley then replied:"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day. Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?" Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring." Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?" Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... " The poor, "Man nodds in agreement." Rich man, "What did you get your wife?" Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo." Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?" Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
Chris Eubank has just had a book published on Ethics If it's successful, he's going to write one about Kent
