A priest and a pilot were waiting in line at the Pearly Gates for St Peter. St Peter had a brief chat with the pilot then gave him a gold halo and he entered heaven. Then St Peter moved onto the priest and gave him a wooden halo. "Why does he get a get a gold halo whilst I only get a wooden one?" asked the priest. "It's easy." St Peter replied "We reward by results. When you preached everyone fell asleep whereas when he flew everyone prayed."
Last month, a worldwide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" Sadly, the survey was a failure because: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in the UK, everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf. : Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green. Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green. The old man was next. He also hit the ball into the water hazard. Just then, a big fish swallowed the ball and started swimming. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it’s grip tightened, causing the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed onto the green and rolled into the cup. Jesus then turned to the old man and said, “Look, dad, if you’re going to play, at least play fair.”
