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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4341
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.THANK YOU!
     
    #4342
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4344
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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A man has been shot 200 times with an upholstery gun!

    Surgeons say " He is fully recovered now".
     
    #4345
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral - they sang the hymn "All Things Gright And Geautikal!"
     
    #4346
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.

    His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

    The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"

    His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"
     
    #4348
  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4351
    Garlic Klopp and Treble like this.
  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  14. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    One of my favourite ever jokes <ok>
     
    #4354
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  15. Treble

    Treble Keyser Söze

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    Bernard Manning would be proud of this thread <doh>
     
    #4355
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  16. RogerisontheHunt

    RogerisontheHunt Well-Known Member

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    A Priest, Vicar and Rabbit walk into a Blood Bank.

    The Rabbit says 'I think I might be a type-O'
     
    #4356
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My friend has just accepted a job role in Seoul.

    It's a Korea move.
     
    #4358
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

    Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

    As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

    The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop.

    He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

    The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

    The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
     
    #4360

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