A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths arethose?""Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the more.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
lanc will be eager for payback over the side PSG lost to last season. Paris Saint Germain boss Laurent Blanc has joked that Chelsea lost to Bradford City in the FA Cup on purpose to boost their Champions League hopes.
An Everton fan on his first visit to the ground,takes a wrong turn and gets lost. He sees a Policeman and asks "Excuse me officer do you know the way to Goodison?" Copper says "Yes mate,take the next left onto Goodison Road and you will see two queues,a big queue and a small queue. Get in the small queue because the big ones for the Chippy"........
Q: What song does Jason Voorhees sing on Friday the 13th? A: "Takin Care of Business" Friggatriskaidekaphobia is the scientific term for the fear of Friday the 13th. (Frigga being the name of the Norse goddess for whom "Friday" is named) Dear Jedi, Today is Friday the 13th, there's never been a better time to join the Dark Side. Q: Why does Freddy Krueger wear a hat? A: He ran out of scare spray. Q: Why don't Americans worry about Friday the 13th? A: After losing their home, job, and 401k nothing scares them anymore! Q: What's Jason Voorhees favorite bean? A: A human bean. Q: What do Italian's eat on Friday the 13th? A: Fettucinni Afraid-o Q: What's Jason Voorhees favorite desert? A: I-Scream! Q: What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up on Friday the 13th? A: Nothing, she's dead Q: Why aren't people afraid of Friday the 13th? A: The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns aren't cut. Everyday is Friday the 13th in America now. Q: What do you cross Jason Voorhees and a box of cherrios? A: A cereal killer. Q: How is the Freddy Krueger like George W Bush? A: They're both famous for scaring the **** out of people! When Jason Voorhees tells a joke.... it kills! Happy Friday the 13th everyone. May the odds be ever in your favor. "It's Friday the 13th. Avoid ladders, black cats and ridiculous superstitions." I'm going to celebrate Friday the 13th the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Brad: It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions? Nathan: I think it's unlucky to have superstitions. The Number 13 Tupac Shakur died on Friday 13th in September of 1996. According to Smithsonian Magazine "fear of the #13 costs American a billion dollars per year in absenteeism, train and plane cancellations, and reduced commerce on the 13th of the month." Fear of Friday the 13th dates back to Nordic Mythology. Many of their thirteenth Gods met with violent deaths, such as Loki, the trickster. Ancient Romans regarded the number 13 as a symbol of death, destruction and misfortune. Taylor Swift was born on Dec 13th, her lucky number's 13, she turned 13 on a friday the 13th, and she turns 24 on Friday December 13. 2013 There were 13 original colonies. Every month starting on a Sunday, will have a Friday the 13th in it. A witches coven consists of 13 members. Friday the 13th happens 3 times in 2012.. They are each 13 weeks apart from each other. This hasn't happened since 1984. Tarot Card number 13 is the Death Card, depicting the Grim Reaper (although it is read as transition or change and not literal death). Hotels rarely have a room number 13. Usually it is called 12a or 14. Same with floors of buildings and the elevators without a #13 button. Highways sometimes will skip exit 13 altogether also. There are 13 steps leading to the gallows. The Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, were born on Friday the 13th (June 13, 1986). 13 knots in a hangman's noose. Jason gets killed at the end of every Friday 13th movie. If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason revives dead people with a magic machete. Lizzy Borden uttered a total of 13 words at her trial. 13 feet which the guillotine blade falls. In numerology, the number twelve is considered the number of completeness, reflected in the twelve months of the year, twelve hours of the clock, twelve gods of Olympus, twelve tribes of Israel, twelve Apostles of Jesus, and twelve signs of the Zodiac, while the number thirteen is considered irregular, transgressing this completeness. The driver of Princess Diana hit pillar #13 at Place de l'Alma when she was killed in Paris, France. 13 people, Christ and his 12 disciples, were in attendance at the last supper. This is where the Christian belief ties in, making Friday a believed unlucky day, as the crucifixtion occurred on a Friday. Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson. Certain ocean liners will be held in dock until after midnight to appease passenger's fears on Friday the 13th. British study concluded that even though there were less cars on the road on Friday the 13th (as compared with other Fridays) more accidents were reported. In Spanish-speaking countries, instead of Friday, Tuesday the 13th (martes trece) is considered a day of bad luck. Because of increased disappearance reports, the Empire State Building closes 4 hours early on Friday the 13ths. E Pluribus Unum has 13 letters. The US Seal has 13 stars, bars, feathers in the eagle's tail, 13 bars in one claw, 13 olive branches in the other. On the USA Dollar Bill, there are 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 bars on the shield, and 13 leaves on the olive branch A "quatrorzieme" is a professional 14th guest hired by the French who had only 13 guests in attendance for dinner, who felt that was unlucky. A baker's dozen consists of 13 for a reason! So the story goes a witch near Albany, NY demanded 13 items every time she came in to a particular bakery, and one day the old baker could not afford her extra biscuit. She sneered some strange words at the man, and he suffered terrible luck from then on, until he brought her another 13 rolls. After that life was once again easy for the baker and word spread around town. The custom is still sometimes practiced today. Apollo 13, 1970, the 13th mission launched from pad #39 (13 x 3), mission was aborted, after an explosion occurred in the fuel cell of their service module. The rocket had left launcing pad at 13:13 CST and the date was April 13th. New Mercedes A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Not true. Jason neither dies in the first film, nor does he kill people, and is a completely peripheral character. He also doesn't die at the end of the second film. He's not in 5 at all.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Two old dears who have known each other for years die and meet in heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
Jimmy arrives at school with his cat. His teacher asks 'Why do you have your cat with you Jimmy? We're going to have to send it home, cats aren't allowed in school.' Jimmy says 'Please let it stay here miss, I had to bring it with me because I heard Daddy talking to Mummy saying he was going to eat that pussy once I had left for school.'
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and say’s," See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time." "No way," the guy say’s. "oh yeah, and she only charges $20." So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn’t believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.
A man saved his mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and the man is not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.
A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went to his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi" not "wife".
