Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A recently deceased man is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says,
'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads

 

A visitor from Holland was chatting
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "Thats the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

 

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," the psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

 

Why did he go to a psychiatrist? Should have gone to an ophthalmologist

 

Bogged down in a huge, mud-filled hole in the road, a motorist paid a passing farmer £5 to pull him out with his tractor.

Once back on dry ground, the grateful motorist said:

"If that's all you charge, I bet you're pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," said the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

 

I got a strange text message this morning .

The letters were GBNA , I think it was bang out of order !

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

 

please log in to view this image

 

*Potato Head


Three stoners rob a 7-11. They run out with the money. The cops started to chase them. They each jumped in a potato bag to try and hide. The cops catch up and kicked the first potato bag. "BARK!" says the first stoner. The cops say, "Oh it's a dog, leave it alone." They kicked the second potato bag. "MEOW!" says the second stoner. The cops say oh it's a cat leave it alone. They then kicked the third potato bag. They kicked it again. And again. And again. The stoner could not think of something to say. The cops kicked it again. "POTATO!" said the stoner.

 

Stoner and the Genie Joke
There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorean Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

 

If you want...

please log in to view this image

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.................
Buy a cat...

 

One day a guy goes to the park for a walk and he notices a charming woman waving at him.

The charming woman says “hello” to him.

He’s surprised, but he can’t remember where he knows her from.

So he says to her, “Do you know me?”

And she replies, “I am sure, you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the billiards table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No,I’m your son’s math teacher.”

 

please log in to view this image

 

Matt, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle. He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
Matt quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Matt yelled, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"

 

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully 
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”