Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

My wife is such a horrible back seat driver I won't drive her anymore. She has to drive if we go somewhere together.

 

I got stopped by a woman in the street yesterday. She said, "Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, he's nearly 2 now."

 

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

 

Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara

 

The lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
“No,” he said. “I didn’t check the pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.

“No, I did not,” said the doctor.

“So,” said the lawyer. “When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken the proper steps to ensure that he was dead.”

The doctor smiled and then said, “Well let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

 

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

 

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Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.

 

Life Insurance Joke 01 If you sleep with a prostitute that’s Commercial Union. Life Insurance Joke 02 If you sleep with all types that’s Group Life. Life Insurance Joke 03 If you sleep with your girlfriend that’s Mutual Trust. Life Insurance Joke 04 If you sleep with your wife that’s Legal and General. Life Insurance […]

 

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Pee on an electric fence.

 

thats an old wives tale. IF you are a "reasonable" distance you won't get shocked. If you wear the right footwear you won't get shocked badly.

If you rub your cock so close that the flow of urine is a continuous stream then yes you'll get shocked.

I'm sure someone on here are pissed on an electric train rail.

 

I know the springer spaniel I was walking in Denmark certainly yelped in pain when he did it.

 

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Good Morning luv, how about us going for a walk together now?"
"How dare you," yelped the woman, "what the hell do you think I am, some sort of cheap pickup?"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"