Transfer Rumours RIP Matth_2014

Discussion in 'The Premier League' started by Saints for the Win, Jun 13, 2019.

  1. Milk just milk

    Milk just milk Grasser-In-Chief

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    As his best friend, I want to tell a few stories about our life together. I'll start with the story where we took a day trip to Brighton beach one day.

    So there we are... Laying on the beach, rather uncomfortable on account of the pebbles and Matt says to me:

    "It's a lovely view isn't it James?"

    I look at Matt and see he's staring at two bodybuilders on the beach.

    "You're not talking about the men are you Matt?"
    "No, I'm not gay, grow up. I don't care about the man with the 12inch penis!"
    "How do you know his penis size?"
    "He's wearing a t-shirt that says 'ask me about my 12 inch penis' on it."
    "Ahh... Okay."

    We sat there for a while... Waves breaking on the shoreline, seagulls circling and throwing white flower bombs from the sky. The soothing cry of children whose parents refuse to buy them ice cream drifting through the air.

    Then I hear a crunch, crunch, crunch on the pebbles. It's the man Mattholemew was staring at making his way to Matt.

    "I noticed you staring" the man says to Matt.
    "No I wasn't, I'm not gay, grow up" replied Matt.
    "Oh, I was going to offer to have sex with you,but, you're obviously straight" the man says and walks off rejected.

    At that moment, I notice a tear welling in Matt's eye as the man walks off. Matt turned to face him and watches him leave forlornly...

    "Are you ok?" I ask him.
    "Yes, " replied Matt, "I'm only crying because I saw a seagull eat a fish and I felt bad for the fish".

    It was at that moment I realised what a kind sensitive hero Mattholemew was, shedding a tear for a fish he didn't even know, a fish that he spotted with his excellent lateral vision
     
    #41
  2. Suckmyklopp

    Suckmyklopp nil by mouth

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #42
    BobbyD, Spurlock and Milk just milk like this.
  3. Milk just milk

    Milk just milk Grasser-In-Chief

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    Tldr; Mattholemew isn't gay and is a kind sensitive hero that weeps for fish.
     
    #43
  4. Libby

    Libby Not606's Top Interviewee

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    There's much worse posts on here tbf
     
    #44
  5. Suckmyklopp

    Suckmyklopp nil by mouth

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    Fosse to confirm <whistle>
     
    #45
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  6. Edelman

    Edelman Well-Known Member

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    He's crazy :emoticon-0136-giggl:emoticon-0136-giggl:emoticon-0102-bigsm:emoticon-0102-bigsm
     
    #46
  7. Milk just milk

    Milk just milk Grasser-In-Chief

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    Good news everyone. Matth is not dead.


    He's been spotted on Twitter.

    daily-afternoon-randomness-49-photos-13-3.jpg
     
    #47
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  8. Paulpowersleftfoot

    Paulpowersleftfoot Well-Known Member

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  9. Solid_Air 2

    Solid_Air 2 Well-Known Member

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    anyone else putting 2 and 2 together regarding the absence of Matth at the precise moment the Tory leadership campaign is taking place . To add to the evidence i give you the following from a leading contender
    " Grow up and say my name properly "
     
    #49
  10. Tobes

    Tobes oh mate
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    I can confirm that he’s currently completely engrossed in United transfer speculation on Twitter mate.

    It’s important work.
     
    #50

  11. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Fosse Haggis de Pfeffel Filberto
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    Nice story James
     
    #51
  12. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Fosse Haggis de Pfeffel Filberto
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    Sure James
     
    #52
  13. Suckmyklopp

    Suckmyklopp nil by mouth

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    What's with the James ****?

    Are you jealous he writes longer novels than you fosse? <laugh>
     
    #53
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  14. FosseFilberto

    FosseFilberto Fosse Haggis de Pfeffel Filberto
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    Read the first post I quoted... numbnuts <doh>
     
    #54
  15. Saints for the Win

    Saints for the Win Any holes a goal

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    @Tobes

    What’s Matth’s Twitter? I want to see his latest video about Pogba.
     
    #55
  16. Tobes

    Tobes oh mate
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    He’s not overly happy, but the profanity count is unusually low.

     
    #56
    Saints for the Win likes this.
  17. Saints for the Win

    Saints for the Win Any holes a goal

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    He’s a serial tweeter.

    And seems to blame all of United British players for being **** haha.
     
    #57
  18. Suckmyklopp

    Suckmyklopp nil by mouth

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    giphy (84).gif
     
    #58
  19. Suckmyklopp

    Suckmyklopp nil by mouth

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    I think he's really disappointed <laugh>
     
    #59
  20. Skylarker

    Skylarker PL High Commissioner

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    Yo, he only threatened to block me....chill guys.
     
    #60

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