Transfer Rumours RIP Matth_2014

As his best friend, I want to tell a few stories about our life together. I'll start with the story where we took a day trip to Brighton beach one day.

So there we are... Laying on the beach, rather uncomfortable on account of the pebbles and Matt says to me:

"It's a lovely view isn't it James?"

I look at Matt and see he's staring at two bodybuilders on the beach.

"You're not talking about the men are you Matt?"
"No, I'm not gay, grow up. I don't care about the man with the 12inch penis!"
"How do you know his penis size?"
"He's wearing a t-shirt that says 'ask me about my 12 inch penis' on it."
"Ahh... Okay."

We sat there for a while... Waves breaking on the shoreline, seagulls circling and throwing white flower bombs from the sky. The soothing cry of children whose parents refuse to buy them ice cream drifting through the air.

Then I hear a crunch, crunch, crunch on the pebbles. It's the man Mattholemew was staring at making his way to Matt.

"I noticed you staring" the man says to Matt.
"No I wasn't, I'm not gay, grow up" replied Matt.
"Oh, I was going to offer to have sex with you,but, you're obviously straight" the man says and walks off rejected.

At that moment, I notice a tear welling in Matt's eye as the man walks off. Matt turned to face him and watches him leave forlornly...

"Are you ok?" I ask him.
"Yes, " replied Matt, "I'm only crying because I saw a seagull eat a fish and I felt bad for the fish".

It was at that moment I realised what a kind sensitive hero Mattholemew was, shedding a tear for a fish he didn't even know, a fish that he spotted with his excellent lateral vision

 

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Tldr; Mattholemew isn't gay and is a kind sensitive hero that weeps for fish.

 

There's much worse posts on here tbf

 

Fosse to confirm

 

He's crazy

 

Good news everyone. Matth is not dead.


He's been spotted on Twitter.

 

anyone else putting 2 and 2 together regarding the absence of Matth at the precise moment the Tory leadership campaign is taking place . To add to the evidence i give you the following from a leading contender
" Grow up and say my name properly "

 

I can confirm that he’s currently completely engrossed in United transfer speculation on Twitter mate.

It’s important work.

 

Nice story James

 

Sure James

 

What's with the James ****?

Are you jealous he writes longer novels than you fosse?

 

Read the first post I quoted... numbnuts

 

@Tobes

What’s Matth’s Twitter? I want to see his latest video about Pogba.

 

He’s not overly happy, but the profanity count is unusually low.

 

He’s a serial tweeter.

And seems to blame all of United British players for being **** haha.

 

I think he's really disappointed

 

Yo, he only threatened to block me....chill guys.