None Footy - Jokes Thread

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
An american one for ya
A man and wife are coming back from Mexico from vacation, while down there the made pets of a snake and a skunk and the want to bring them both back.
Near the border the wife says hey maybe they wont let us bring them into the US because of rabies or something.
The husband says well I'll tie the snake round my waiste and pretend it's a belt and you just stuff the skunk up your dress.
The wife says what about the smell?
The husband says "well if it dies,it dies"
 
A duck walks into a pub . . .

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that." says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. That outfit with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course" the barman replies.

"And the tent that has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right! That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . . . .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"What would they want with a plasterer?!"
 
This is becoming a habit.

2 elderly nuns in a park, a streaker runs past. One had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

2 nuns in a park at night, dracula jumps out. The older nun panics and shouts "Show him your cross". "**CK OFF" shouts the other nun, and nuts him.

A nun's in the bath when there's a knock on the door.
"Who is it?"
"Blind man"
"Oh, you poor thing"....she opens the door.
"Nice tits love, where do you want this blind putting"
 
A blonde is speeding, she gets stopped. The motorbike cop is also blond.

Can I see your licence madam?
Yeh, what's it like?
It's a square thing with your picture on.
The blond checks her bag and finds a hand mirror.
She sees a picture of her on it, so hands it to the cop.
The cop looks at it and says "I didn't know you were in the force ma'am, please carry on with your duties."
 
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic Priest? Woddy goes limp whenever a child walks into a room.

Father Michael is asked to give a talk at the local primary school about sex. He does the talk, but not wanting to upset his prudish wife, tells her he's doing a talk on sailing. Anyway, he gives an excellent talk and the headmistress bumps into Father Michael's wife and says what a great talk he gave.
'It can't be that good' she said. 'He's only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off',
 
One day Mr Jones the MD of the company calls his vice,Chris into his office. 'We're having to make cut backs so either Barbara or Jack will have to be laid off'.
Chris looks at Mr Jones saying... Barbara is my best worker and Jack has a wife and two kids,dont know whom to fire?

Next morning Chris waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Chris said,
'Barbara,I've got a problem....You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?
'Barbara replied,..you'd better jack off ,I've got a headache'
 
I rang for some advice about dyslexia. They answered the phone.
"Dyslexics line help you help can I"

Tommy Cooper classic. Policeman stops a motorist. "I want you to blow into this bag" . Motorist "Why". Policeman "My chips are hot"
 
Topical......(maybe),any name can be used.........

Phil Brown visits his doctor for his annual check up.

'I need stool,urine and sperm samples'says the doctor.

Phil thinks for a moment and then says......'Will my underwear do?'
 
Simon Grayson takes the Leeds players out for an end of season meal. 'What will you have Mr Grayson?' aske the waiter. 'I'll have the steak please' says Grayson 'And the vegetables?' asks the waiter. 'Yeah, give them the steak as well' replies Grayson.
 
I bumped into Sian Massey at the weekend and said to her, "Do you know you got one of Sky Sports' commentators sacked?" She repleid "Tell me something I don't know!" So I explained the offside rule.
 
More Ducks!

Three guys died in a car accident and went to Heaven. When they got there St Peter said "we only have one rule in Heaven, do not step on the ducks!"

It was almost impossible not to step on any ducks as they were everywhere.

But then one day the first guy accidentally stepped on a duck. Along came St Peter with the ugliest woman he had ever seen. St Peter chained them together and said "your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day the second guy accidentally stepped on a duck and along came St Peter, who did not miss a thing in Heaven, and with him was an extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as before.

The third guy saw all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on a duck. But one day St Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The third guy remarked "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
More Ducks!

Three guys died in a car accident and went to Heaven. When they got there St Peter said "we only have one rule in Heaven, do not step on the ducks!"

It was almost impossible not to step on any ducks as they were everywhere.

But then one day the first guy accidentally stepped on a duck. Along came St Peter with the ugliest woman he had ever seen. St Peter chained them together and said "your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day the second guy accidentally stepped on a duck and along came St Peter, who did not miss a thing in Heaven, and with him was an extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as before.

The third guy saw all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on a duck. But one day St Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The third guy remarked "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first you have to
be single and second you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and a Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.
 
For some reason all my entries are being duplicated <confused>

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first you have to
be single and second you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and a Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.
 
For some reason all my entries are being duplicated <confused>

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first you have to
be single and second you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and a Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back